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Fried Rice
Heidi Rice
“EVERYbody must get stoned!” I sang out to Bob Dylan's 1966 hit “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35,” as I finished reading the newspaper the other evening.
Husband-Head looked up from the other side of the couch where he was perusing the sports section and raised an eyebrow.
“Don't you think you're a little old to start smoking pot now?” he questioned. “Besides, you're weird enough as it is. You certainly don't need to be stoned on top of it.”
But I was amazed at the number of medical marijuana dispensary ads that were suddenly popping up in all kinds of papers and locations around town.
“We deliver!” “Discreet entrance in back!” “Natural medicine!”
In Colorado, voters passed Amendment 20 in the 2000 general election, allowing medical marijuana use for patients suffering from certain health conditions.
One of the ads in the paper caught my eye as it listed some qualifying conditions to receive the drug for things such as cramps and migraine headaches. “Ummm, I'm betting there are a lot of women in this state that get cramps every month,” I pointed out to Husband-Head. “But now instead of buying Midol, we can all get medical marijuana!”
The ad also included migraines, which Husband-Head gets every now and then.
Then something struck me.
“Hey, how do you think they KNOW if you get cramps or a raging headache?” I pondered out loud. “Those aren't exactly symptoms that are physically evident. ...”
I've also wondered the same thing during a commercial for Dannon's Activia yogurt, which supposedly helps to “naturally regulate your digestive system” if eaten every day for two weeks, or your money back.
ActiveeeAAAAHHHH!
“OK, so how do you PROVE that it didn't work so you can get your money back?” I asked Husband-Head. “That could be a little, uh, unsavory. ...”
Husband-Head put the newspaper over his face and tried to ignore me and pretend that I didn't exist.
Several of the medical marijuana ads in the paper also claimed that they would deliver the stuff to your house.
“How cool is that? I asked Husband-Head with excitement. “You could, like, order pot from one place and pizza from the other. It would be a medically legal party!”
Husband-Head wasn't all that impressed.
“Medical marijuana is supposed to help those who need it for serious medicinal purposes,” he sighed, explaining it as if to a child. “It is not for you to giggle with your girlfriends. That's what wine is for. ...”
What was also funny to me was that many of these places were located right next to restaurants — especially diners — which I'm sure makes their owners happy ... as the smell of marijuana wafts over into the restaurant ... and the diners decide that, yes, indeed, in fact they WOULD like another cheeseburger and a second piece of pie. ...
Everyone knows that marijuana very much stimulates the appetite.
The nearby motel people might also get into the action after the very full patrons decide they need to take a little nappy-poo. ...
But seriously, these dispensaries say they help people in chronic pain with illnesses such as glaucoma, cancer and HIV.
When I asked a local attorney if medical marijuana could be smoked outside like cigarettes now have to be in Colorado, he said “no.”
“The amendment states that it can't be smoked or publicly consumed in any form,” he informed me.
Because people inside a bar drinking a beer and eating a brownie would be SO obvious. ...
Although generally illegal for street sale, marijuana has been glamorized in such movies as the 1998 flick “The Big Lebowski” featuring Jeff Bridges, along with the perpetually stoned Cheech and Chong in the hysterical 1978 hit movie “Up in Smoke.”
“How does legalized pot work if, say, you had to take a drug test for a job?” I asked Husband-Head. “Would you just say, ‘I had cramps last month,' and that's why you tested positive for pot?”
“You might be able to get away with that, but I probably couldn't,” he said, shaking his head.
But like it or not, marijuana is legal here in Colorado for medicinal purposes. And whether you agree or not, just do as Mary Poppins did and slide down the bannister, while whistling a happy tune.
“Just a bag full of Mary Jane makes the medicine go down!”
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. To see additional columns or to purchase her book collection or columns, “Skully Says Shut It!” visit www.heidirice.com.
Husband-Head looked up from the other side of the couch where he was perusing the sports section and raised an eyebrow.
“Don't you think you're a little old to start smoking pot now?” he questioned. “Besides, you're weird enough as it is. You certainly don't need to be stoned on top of it.”
But I was amazed at the number of medical marijuana dispensary ads that were suddenly popping up in all kinds of papers and locations around town.
“We deliver!” “Discreet entrance in back!” “Natural medicine!”
In Colorado, voters passed Amendment 20 in the 2000 general election, allowing medical marijuana use for patients suffering from certain health conditions.
One of the ads in the paper caught my eye as it listed some qualifying conditions to receive the drug for things such as cramps and migraine headaches. “Ummm, I'm betting there are a lot of women in this state that get cramps every month,” I pointed out to Husband-Head. “But now instead of buying Midol, we can all get medical marijuana!”
The ad also included migraines, which Husband-Head gets every now and then.
Then something struck me.
“Hey, how do you think they KNOW if you get cramps or a raging headache?” I pondered out loud. “Those aren't exactly symptoms that are physically evident. ...”
I've also wondered the same thing during a commercial for Dannon's Activia yogurt, which supposedly helps to “naturally regulate your digestive system” if eaten every day for two weeks, or your money back.
ActiveeeAAAAHHHH!
“OK, so how do you PROVE that it didn't work so you can get your money back?” I asked Husband-Head. “That could be a little, uh, unsavory. ...”
Husband-Head put the newspaper over his face and tried to ignore me and pretend that I didn't exist.
Several of the medical marijuana ads in the paper also claimed that they would deliver the stuff to your house.
“How cool is that? I asked Husband-Head with excitement. “You could, like, order pot from one place and pizza from the other. It would be a medically legal party!”
Husband-Head wasn't all that impressed.
“Medical marijuana is supposed to help those who need it for serious medicinal purposes,” he sighed, explaining it as if to a child. “It is not for you to giggle with your girlfriends. That's what wine is for. ...”
What was also funny to me was that many of these places were located right next to restaurants — especially diners — which I'm sure makes their owners happy ... as the smell of marijuana wafts over into the restaurant ... and the diners decide that, yes, indeed, in fact they WOULD like another cheeseburger and a second piece of pie. ...
Everyone knows that marijuana very much stimulates the appetite.
The nearby motel people might also get into the action after the very full patrons decide they need to take a little nappy-poo. ...
But seriously, these dispensaries say they help people in chronic pain with illnesses such as glaucoma, cancer and HIV.
When I asked a local attorney if medical marijuana could be smoked outside like cigarettes now have to be in Colorado, he said “no.”
“The amendment states that it can't be smoked or publicly consumed in any form,” he informed me.
Because people inside a bar drinking a beer and eating a brownie would be SO obvious. ...
Although generally illegal for street sale, marijuana has been glamorized in such movies as the 1998 flick “The Big Lebowski” featuring Jeff Bridges, along with the perpetually stoned Cheech and Chong in the hysterical 1978 hit movie “Up in Smoke.”
“How does legalized pot work if, say, you had to take a drug test for a job?” I asked Husband-Head. “Would you just say, ‘I had cramps last month,' and that's why you tested positive for pot?”
“You might be able to get away with that, but I probably couldn't,” he said, shaking his head.
But like it or not, marijuana is legal here in Colorado for medicinal purposes. And whether you agree or not, just do as Mary Poppins did and slide down the bannister, while whistling a happy tune.
“Just a bag full of Mary Jane makes the medicine go down!”
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. To see additional columns or to purchase her book collection or columns, “Skully Says Shut It!” visit www.heidirice.com.
