The new GOP frontrunner for 2016: Vladimir Putin
March 7, 2014
"People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates," said fraction-term governor and noted Putin-watcher Sarah Palin on Fox News' Hannity this week.
Russian President Vladimir Putin's beefcake boudoir photography featuring his naked torso alongside large mammals is a siren song for Republicans. They've been in the market for a man — manly enough to take charge of their shattered caucus. A dude — dudish enough to stand up to the "feminized atmosphere" created by the media.
They just can't seem to find a leader strong enough. Where's the warmonger of their dreams?
Maybe the perfect candidate for the Grand Old Party has been there all along … three terms to be exact.
George W. Bush stared into his eyes and got a sense of his soul. Putin is basically the Kremlin's Harriet Myers (except conservatives admire Putin).
Is there a flight deck we can get this guy on already?!
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Putin combines all the decisiveness of the no-apology President Bush with all the Winter Olympics accolades of no-apology candidate Mitt Romney, but with more shirtless horse riding!
Plus unlike former frontrunner Chris Christie, Putin's not afraid to stand up to Obama. Putin would never call for cuts to the military! Putin would never allow Congress to do nothing for two sessions! Putin wouldn't appoint all those czars like Obama! Ted Cruz went to namby pamby Harvard — Putin served in the rough-and-tumble KGB. That's right — military service!
He's a hero.
"Putin sees himself as a macho man who's going to do pretty much what he wants," Bill O'Reilly said on his self-titled show. "The president sees himself as a renaissance man who wants to accommodate."
A renaissance man who wants to accommodate?! In a democracy?! Outrageous! Impeach him.
Putin just does what he wants without having to consult with anyone. He doesn't have to wait around for handwringing and (gasp) compromise inherent in our girly pink tulle-clad constitutional government. No, Putin just feels in his gut what's right and he does it. Deliberating international consequences is for ladies who wear unsexy middle-aged lady jeans and those with the middle name Hussein. Broad consensus is for broads.
Putin is the GOP's Fabio. The sexy man model on the cover of their favorite romance novel, "Dictator of Love: He Sees What He Wants and Takes It."
And come on: let's talk about name recognition! This guy is a star! John Kasich who? The entire world knows Vladimir Putin! There's no contest.
"Putin decides what he wants to do and he does it in half a day, right?" Giuliani swooned on Neil Cavuto. "He decided he had to go to their parliament. He went to their parliament. He got permission in 15 minutes … but he makes a decision and he executes it quickly. Then everybody reacts. That's what you call a leader. President Obama, he's got to think about it. He's got to go over it again. He's got to talk to more people about it."
Talking to people? How weak! Thankfully, right-wing-dominated talk radio is fully put off by leaders talking.
Oh and the gays! The GOP-Putin bromance started last year when Putin criminalized gay propaganda. Pat Buchanan gushed in August, "Putin is trying to re-establish the Orthodox Church as the moral compass of the nation it had been for 1,000 years before Russia fell captive to the atheistic and pagan ideology of Marxism. 'The adoption of Christianity,' declared Putin, 'became a turning point in the fate of our fatherland, made it an inseparable part of the Christian civilization and helped turn it into one of the largest world powers.'" He continued, "Anyone ever heard anything like that from the Post, the Times or Barack Hussein Obama?"
Has anyone ever heard of the GOP slobbering over a foreign president before?
— Tina Dupuy is a nationally syndicated op-ed columnist, investigative journalist, award-winning writer, stand-up comic, on-air commentator and wedge issue fan. Tina can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.