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A husband-head Halloween

Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Fried Rice
ALL |

“Ummm … honey … not to ask a stupid question or anything, but why might there be a two-foot-tall clown holding an eyeball on a fork on our front porch?” I asked Husband-Head, trying to be nonchalant after arriving home on a Saturday afternoon from the grocery store.

“That’s my clown,” Husband-Head said proudly. “That ‘Eye-Gore.'”

The motion-activated miniature clown had an evil grin with his speared eyeball, which he repeatedly brought up to his mouth every time someone went by.



After putting the groceries away , I went out to inspect the front of our house a little more closely to see what else Husband-Head had done. From the looks of it, he had been quite busy with his annual Halloween decorations while I was away.

The balusters in the front of the house were decked out in red and white wood trim, resembling that of a big top circus, although these – of course – were covered in spider webs. And a wooden poster next to the upstairs bedroom window boasted “FrightRiver Freak Show” – complete with blacklights for effect at night.



Then there was “Castaway Charlie,” a 5-foot-2-inch tall Herman Munster-type clothed skeleton, also motion-activated, inside of a cage, who rattled to get out every time someone walked by. Stuck in the cage with Herman was a squirmy little skull head with arms who screamed something about being a monster. “I like Charlie,” Husband-Head said, watching the robot rattling around in his cage. “I hope he doesn’t get out.”

Yeah pal, this better not turn out to be like a “Twilight Zone” episode where these things take on a life of their own. …

Just then, the head in a plastic bubble began to babble.

“You have come for my wisdom,” the head said knowingly. “I have but one recommendation for you. Eat well and be fit. You’ll die anyway. But at least you’ll look better! Aaaahhhh … hahahahaha!”

To complete the Halloween ensemble, headstones lined the walkway to the front door of the house, proclaiming things like “Here lies Johnny Yeast – Pardon Me for Not Rising,” “Yul B. Next,” and “I Told You I Was Sick.”

The rest was decorated with more skulls and candelabra.

But the crowning glory was the scary circus music Husband-Head had playing along with his motion-activated monsters.

“Now THAT’S creepy,” I shuddered. “That’s like one of those Halloween horror carnival movies.”

Husband-Head grinned with delight.

“That’s exactly what I want,” he said with excitement. “I want people to be scared!”

Just then, a guy in a truck drove by and gave him the “thumbs up” and some teenagers walked by on the sidewalk, simply staring at the Disney-like display.

“Somebody is going to crash into somebody’s car while gawking at this stuff,” I warned Husband-Head.

“Yeah, well it won’t be our car this time since we don’t park on the street anymore,” he retorted.

A little later I heard Husband-Head put on one of his favorite movies.

“Making Halloween … Halloween … Halloween …”

I am absolutely positive that if animator Tim Burton and Husband-Head ever met, they would be fast friends.

Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Citizen Telegram and the Post Independent. Her column runs every Thursday in the CT and on Friday in the PI. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice to see more columns or buy her book collection.


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