A magazine to deal with men’s healthy appetites
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“Where did this magazine come from?” Husband-Head asked as he sat on the couch perusing the publication with his cute little reading glasses perched on the end of his nose.
“Oh, I bought a subscription for you,” I said proudly. “I thought you would enjoy it.”
We had just received the first issue of a magazine called “Men’s Health.” Being that we are both trying to be more mindful of our health these days, I figured it would be a good idea.
“Have you even looked at it?” Husband-Head said, looking rather amused.
“No,” I admitted. “But I assume it gives all kinds of healthy living tips for guys. I mean, it’s not like its a porn magazine or anything.”
Husband-Head started to laugh really hard.
“OK, let’s start with this article,” he said, peering through his glasses and raising up this particular Men’s Health edition called “The HOT issue.”
It pictured a woman in bikini underwear and a bra, pulling down the side of her panties with an “X” marked on her bottom and then an “O.” The article was titled “Slap on Target.”
“A little spank [or harder if she likes it] can heat up the moment – but many men hit the wrong spot,” Husband-Head read from the article. “It’s a common mistake to hit here. You’re nearer to bone, so the slap is less pleasant. Aim lower. There’s more cushion and you’ll engage more nerves.”
“WHAT?” I said, horrified that the photo actually showed where you should and shouldn’t spank a woman. “That is most definitely NOT the kind of thing I was wanting to subscribe for you. I was thinking more in the lines of exercise and healthy food!”
Apparently, I should have known better that if you were going to sell a national slick magazine that catered to men, you would have to include material that involved sex.
I grabbed the issue and started looking through it myself.
“Add more firepower to your your sex life,” one headline screamed. “More sex is healthier!” another one added. “The ‘Sex of your Dreams Guide’ is yours free with a two year subscription.”
“Good Lord, isn’t there anything else in this thing besides sex articles?” I said, shaking my head. “Surely men’s health involves more than that. …”
Then I saw an article that caught my eye.
“OK, see here’s a story about yoga moves for men,” I pointed. out. “That’s more like it.”
“Not in my lifetime,” Husband-Head disagreed and grabbed the magazine back from me and thumbed through it again.
He began intently reading something and I looked over his shoulder to make sure it didn’t involve a half-naked woman.
“This is cool – it’s an interview with Mr. Peanut,” Husband-Head said enthusiastically as I read over his shoulder.
“Recently, Men’s Health had the exclusive opportunity to interview Mr. Peanut and discovered that he’s engaging, witty and, despite the hard exterior, a real ‘guy’s guy,'” the article said. “Here, he shares his thoughts on everything from his healthy lifestyle to his fashion sense.”
No. Tell me I didn’t order a subscription to a magazine that interviews Mr. Peanut. …
Husband-Head was totally enjoying this magazine.
The next article was all about making “all-in-one” meals cooked in a single skillet.
“See? I’m not the only one!” Husband-Head said excitedly. “Other guys like to make everything in one pot, too!”
“Yeah, but do they stand over the kitchen sink and eat it right out of the pot?” I questioned.
Then, of course, there were instructions for making a steak and side dishes to go along with it, including baked potatoes.
“Cut the cooking time by as much as half by stabbing a clean aluminum-based nail length-wise through the center of each potato,” the instructions read. “Make sure at least an inch of nail is sticking out of the potato.”
A potato with a nail stuck in it. Now that’s a manly man potato. …
“I like this magazine,” Husband-Head announced. “It has a lot of good information.”
A few days later, a Men’s Health supplement booklet arrived called the “Big Black Book of Secrets: The Guy Guide to Male Wisdom,” which included an advice section on “Dating and Seduction.”
It included nifty tips such as when a woman asks how many women you’ve slept with, that you probably shouldn’t answer “36.”
Or when a woman says she wants some space, the correct response is not “Have a nice life.”
It wasn’t really the healthy magazine I anticipated, but at least it informs its readers of the proper place to spank a woman.
Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Citizen Telegram and the Post Independent. Her columns appears every Thursday in the CT and Friday in the PI. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection. Contact Heidi at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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The Glenwood Hot Springs Lodge experienced vandalism in the form of significant water damage after a man removed a pipe valve with a fire extinguisher flooding four hallways. The lodge however remains open and operational.