All I want for my Easter is my two front teeth! |

All I want for my Easter is my two front teeth!

Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Fried Rice

“Hey, can you hold on for a second? I’ve got to get my front teeth off the floor,” I asked my mother as we spoke on the phone the other morning.

Mom didn’t answer as she, understandably, wasn’t sure how to respond.

I grabbed my teeth off the floor and washed them off.

“Thooo…whathh goin’ on?” I lisped, without my teeth.

It started when Husband-Head and I had been watching TV on a weekday evening after dinner.

“Oh, my GAWD!” I screamed and jumped up, running to the upstairs bathroom.

“WHAT?” Husband-Head yelled after me. “What the hell is wrong?”

I looked in the bathroom mirror and was absolutely horrified at the image staring back at me.

I was missing two of my four front teeth.

I was in the middle of having a dental bridge in my mouth replaced and had a temporary bridge for the time being. What had happened was that the damn thing broke and two of my “teeth” had fallen out – a front one and the one next to it.

If you’ve never seen yourself without front teeth, let me just say that you probably don’t ever want to – because it is not pretty.

Thankfully, I was able to glue the teeth back in and went back downstairs.

“My teeth fell out,” I explained to Husband-Head, who looked rather shocked at the news. “And I really didn’t want you to see it.”

Husband-Head was silent for a moment.

“Whoa. I didn’t think we were going to get to that point in our marriage for another 20 years,” he finally admitted.

I’d had an extremely stressful week at work and apparently because of the stress, I’d been grinding my teeth to the point where the bridge broke.

I immediately called my dentist, but he was out for the weekend and I couldn’t get an appointment until Monday afternoon. It was only Thursday. And it was Easter weekend.

“All I want for Easter is my two front teeth! My two front teeth, yeah, my two front teeth!”

And even though I was able to glue the tooth pieces back into my mouth, they kept randomly falling out at the most inopportune times – mostly when I was on the phone.

“Hey Mom, can you hold on a second, my teeth just fell out again,” I said, as I chased the little suckers across the kitchen floor.

My mom actually giggled at this.

“I remember when that happened to me one time,” she said. “I walked around with my hand over my mouth. Maybe you can get one of those masks people wear over the nose and mouth…”

Like Michael Jackson?

The worst part was when the tooth piece wouldn’t go back in at all and I had to be toothless until I could get to the dentist again.

“I’m on my way home,” Husband-Head called to tell me. “Do you need anything?”

“Yeah, some teeth,” I informed him. “Just be warned that I am now your toothless wife. I look like one of those people that I used to serve at that dive bar I worked at a long time ago.”

And I was not about to go out in public.

“I don’t care if it’s Easter weekend – we’re not going anywhere and no one is coming over here,” I informed Husband-Head. “I do not want to see anyone. Do you understand me?”

Husband-Head just shrugged as he was much more interested in his beer than what was going on with my mouth…

“OK, corn on the cob is definitely not on the menu tonight,” I informed Husband-Head. “But if you want, I’ll show you how I can poke my tongue through the hole between my teeth…”

When my sister called, I reiterated my story and lamented about my toothless woes.

“Oh pooh,” she said. “I remember when Granny used to take her teeth out and leave them by the bed and forget to put them back in.”

Yes, but Granny was in her 80’s and I’m in my 40’s…

In the end, my dentist fixed the bridge and all was well with the world.

“Good Lord,” Husband-Head said with a sigh of relief afterwards. “At least it was a tooth thing. What if one of your eyeballs popped out?”

– Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Post Independent. Visit her web site at to see more columns or purchase her book, “Skully Says Shut It!”

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