Pat’s fun financial prognostications for 2015
A lot is happening in banking and finance, so it’s a good time to make some predictions for 2015. I’ve asked my readers (all 10 of them) to monitor the accuracy of these prognostications, and comment on them at the end of 2015.
So, here goes:
In January, the Aspen Board of Realtors will eliminate pricing information on properties in the Multi-List Service. According to a spokesperson, “If you have to ask what it costs, you can’t afford it.”
And speaking of thinking outside the box, Colorado’s new credit union for pot businesses will get up and running in February. Management will be lauded for staying open on Sunday to accommodate customers. However, employees will reveal that they didn’t know it was Sunday; in fact, they thought it was July.
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will apply for political asylum in Cuba in March. The CEOs of the enterprises will issue a joint press release saying: “We’re back to making unconscionable profits, and we have to give that money back to the U.S. Treasury, which already has an awful lot of money. We want to give cash to someone who will appreciate it.”
In April maverick Sen. Elizabeth Warren will introduce a bill to squeeze bankers out of banking, commenting that “War is too important to entrust to generals, and banking is much to vital to leave to bankers.”
Then, in May, in accordance with Ms. Warren’s legislation, Paris Hilton will be nominated to be Chairperson of the Federal Reserve. In reply to a reporter’s question, Ms. Hilton will say, “Hey, Alan Greenspan said he didn’t see the Financial Crisis coming. Neither did I, so I guess I’m as qualified as he was.”
June will see Vladimir Putin hit on a way to bolster Russia’s economy. The Kremlin will start making sub-prime loans to everybody in the country, whether they own a dacha or not. Vladimir the 1st will say, “We’ll sell the mortgage-backed securities to Americans. Those people will buy anything.”
Which will lead, in July, to Wells Fargo announcing that it’s eliminating borrowers entirely from its banking operation. A management representative explains, “Borrowers are a lot of trouble. Sometimes they don’t make their payments, and they’re always asking dumb questions. When we screw them over, we’ve got some regulator on our bank. Who needs borrowers. We’ll just invest in Russian mortgage-backed securities.”
In August, China will make an offer to buy the Big Three Banks in the U.S. The Chinese Premier tells Reuters that “We have our banks getting into trouble, but we’ve found they’re woefully inexperienced at it. We won’t have a true market economy until we have well-trained incompetent bankers messing everything up.”
The entire financial world is shocked in September when the Big Three make a counter offer to buy China for one hundredth of one percent down, and the rest in seller financing. A joint news release says, “This is a win-win situation. They get us and don’t have to pay a dime. We get naïve regulators that we can scam, er, guide, for up to 10 years.”
October will see the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau attempt to obviate seller financing in the banks’ proposed purchase of China. The effort is stopped only when the CFPB learns it doesn’t run China, just the U.S.
In November, a group seeks to charter a credit union to serve people born and raised in the Roaring Fork Valley. The project is put on hold when it’s determined that there might not be more than 10 depositors.
And finally, as snow falls quietly in Moscow in December, Putin will buy back the Kremlin on a short sale.
Best wishes, all, for 2015. And remember, you heard it here first.
Pat Dalrymple is a western Colorado native and has spent almost 50 years in mortgage lending and banking in the Roaring Fork Valley. He’ll be happy to answer your questions or hear your comments. His e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Several Carbondale businesses are scrambling to relocate and others are just plain calling it quits following plans for one of the town’s oldest strip malls to be redeveloped.