Call me Justice, and you’ll get yours from me
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Call me Justice. To some of you, that’s Vigilante Justice.
My mission is to let turds know that I know they’re turds – jerks who think they can get away with cutting people off in traffic, or flicking cigarette butts out the window on the highway, or anything like that.
These aren’t significant crimes of course, but I figure if I call out poor behavior when I see it, I can help jerks come to the conclusion that they’re jerks.
The other day some nine ball cut me off in the merge lane onto 133 in Carbondale. He came from behind and sped up to block me from merging even though I was well ahead of him.
Well, I stomped the gas pedal, tailgated and flipped him off for half a block. I didn’t honk my horn because that’s annoying the innocent. I definitely showed that guy, though.
Another time I was hiking up a trail in Glenwood Canyon. I came across a guy camping illegally a quarter-mile from the trailhead. His tent was 50 feet of the trail and he even had a fire going. His dog was off leash. He half-smiled, waved and said, “Good morning.” Can you believe that? I said, “Good morning,” back but I raised my right eyebrow without smiling and kept walking.
Boom. That’s justice for you, and sometimes it hurts when you get it. Take that, fool. Like they say, cross the line, I’m going to do my best in really subtle ways to make sure you don’t feel fine.
If I don’t say, “Bless you,” when you sneeze, it’s probably because you didn’t cover your mouth.
In traffic it can be harder to communicate a point. I often end up tailgating and waving my middle finger around to make sure the stupid lady on the cell phone driving slow in the fast lane comes to see the error of her ways.
Usually that situation ends with me passing on the right and giving her an irritated glare as I go by. They get it most of the time, especially when I really blow their doors off. I can tell because I see them switch to the right lane in my rear view mirror.
Sometimes on an icy day, though, a stoplight turns red when I’m exacting justice and I end up swerving across a lane to avoid a collision. I almost killed some people that way once and they flipped me off but they didn’t understand – I’m a good person. I’m just trying to stand up to the selfish people who mindlessly endanger lives so they can get to work a bit quick … er, um … OK, never mind that last story. It was an accident. Happens to anyone.
What’s really hard is restraining myself from the temptation to plow jay-walkers. Occasionally I’ll speed up just to send them on a little hot-potato trot across the road.
Am I the only one around here who gives a $#!T about the rules?!
That’s why I couldn’t believe it when a cop pulled me – me! – over for speeding. I’m on your side buddy. I was riding that other car’s bumper and then speeding around it because the big truck coming up behind me was going to do the same to me.
As you can tell, I prefer to administer righteousness from within the anonymity and clout of a 2,400-pound metal box with an engine.
If you slight me in person, I’ll take the offense quietly until the next day, when I tell everyone what a horrible person the big bearded guy in the flannel was when I tried to order my drink, or what a snitty princess that hussy was when I pulled her onto the dance floor at the club.
Some friends say I should lighten up and not be so angry all the time.
How can I do that when we live in such a rude culture? No one respects anyone anymore, and by golly, I’m gonna make ’em. Once they get a taste of their own behavior …
Wait, hang on – some jerk is behind me in traffic right now. Uh! He just flipped me off because I was trying to type this while driving in the left lane. Jerk!
“Yeah, what goes around, comes around, BUCKO, you’ll see!”
“A Narrow Mind” by V.J. Boener appears only when April Fool’s Day falls on a Sunday. Guess what? You’re in luck, because today is that day. Enjoy this twisted fellow’s warped humor while it lasts, because old V.J. is about to get the hook from the paper’s editor. He just doesn’t know it … yet.
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Though it won’t bring major changes for most Garfield County businesses, local public health officials were notified Thursday that the county will move to the less-restrictive Level Blue, effective first thing Friday.