Go left, young NASCAR man
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“Well, it’s obvious spring is just around the corner,” I sighed to Husband-Head over the weekend. “All the signs are in place – football is over, American Idol is on and NASCAR is in full swing.”
Husband-Head has never been a big NASCAR guy – that is, until this year. Bummed out that the football season was over, he and his fantasy football buddies decided to join a NASCAR league.
“What in the world is so exciting about watching a bunch of cars make left-hand turns around and around in a circle?” I asked Husband-Head, looking at the TV in the mancave. “What’s the point?”
“I have no idea,” Husband-Head shrugged. “I don’t know anything about NASCAR. We just decided to join the league to give crap to one of our football guys who’s into this.”
The cars continued turning left around and around and around. … “How much did this cost us?” I asked, knowing that the fantasy football leagues cost hundreds of dollars every year.
“Oh, it was only $20,” Husband-Head smiled. “And right now, I’m in first place!”
Sure enough, there on the computer screen was Husband-Head’s league name, “Buzzkill Racing” at the top of the list.
A little while later, one of his football buddies stopped by who is also playing in the NASCAR league.
“I was just in Walmart with my pregnant wife and my 2-year-old, buying a Bass fishing magazine and getting ready to set up my NASCAR lineup,” he said with a laugh. “I’ve never felt so redneck in my life.”
The comment reminded me of Jeff Dunham, the ventriloquist and comedian who has a redneck puppet named “Bubba J.”
“Just watchin’ NASCAR and drinkin’ beer!” Bubba J screams, as one eye wanders off. “NASCAR’s easy to follow when you’re hammered!”
Not that I know anything about the game of football, but it seems to have a little more substance to it than NASCAR, in which the cars travel 400 miles in circles at 200 mph.
“In football, you come out to watch your team win,” Husband-Head explained. “In NASCAR, the rednecks come out to watch cars crash and blow up.”
“How old are these guys driving the cars?” I asked curiously.
“Oh about 25-30,” Husband-Head answered. “Although some of them are older. They can do this longer than the guys playing football.” What both these sports have in common, however, is the consumption of beer.
Unlike football, people don’t come over and hang out in the mancave to watch NASCAR. Football involves food, friends and beer. NASCAR seems to involve only beer.
And unlike football, there are no cheerleaders in NASCAR. Instead, there is a seven-man crew that services the car – changing its tires and re-fueling – during what is called a “pit stop.”
“If they stop, don’t they lose their place in the race?” I asked, totally confused.
“You’re asking the wrong guy,” Husband-Head said. “I told you – I have no idea how this works.”
This didn’t make sense.
“Then why are you even watching it?” I said, shaking my head. “Why are you even in this league?”
“It’s something to do,” he said simply.
You need something to DO?
“I’ll give you something to do,” I admonished. “You can paint the interior trim in the house, fix the front door, wash the dogs. …”
“NO!” Husband-Head insisted. “None of that sounds like fun. I’d rather watch NASCAR in my mancave.”
Just watchin’ NASCAR and drinkin’ beer!
“I suppose at some point you’ll put your hand under your arm and make armpit farts,” I huffed. “Then you’ll grow your hair into a mullet with long sideburns and quit brushing your teeth and they’ll fall out.” Husband-Head thought for a moment.
“Yes, and we’ll move into a trailer, collect a lot of junk cars in the driveway and blast Lynyrd Skynyrd on the stereo,” he agreed.
“And I’ll wear Daisy Duke shorts with stiletto heels and a tight tank top with no bra,” I added.
NASCAR can change your life!
Unfortunately, by the end of the race, Husband-Head lost his first-place league status when Kyle Busch’s car caught on fire.
Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Citizen Telegram and the Post Independent. Her column runs every Thursday in the CT and Friday in the PI. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or buy her book collection. Contact Heidi at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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