Having a freezer bag meltdown
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Husband-Head raised the sledgehammer above his head and began slamming it through the wall.
I screamed and put my hands over my ears as splinters of wood went flying everywhere.
“Heeere’s Johnny!” Husband-Head said with an evil grin as he poked his head through the wall, like Jack Nicholson’s character in the 1980 horror flick, “The Shining.”
I would have been more frightened if I didn’t know he was taking out a wall in the pantry as part of our kitchen remodel project.
Still, it’s a little unnerving to see someone smash down walls in your house …
I’m not really sure who’s idea it was to remodel the kitchen, but I have come to learn that any kind of building projects are a threat to our marriage. I don’t even like moving furniture with him.
As Husband-Head continued to hack at the wall, I prayed he knew what he was doing as he is not in the construction business.
“I swear to God, if you take out a beam that causes the second story of our house – including my office – to come crashing down, I will be SO pissed,” I warned him.
“Just think of it this way,” he replied with a shrug. “If the office comes down, you won’t have to work.”
In order to start on the pantry, it had first been necessary to take all the food items out and put them in boxes so Husband-Head could re-arrange, build shelves and paint.
There were boxes and boxes and boxes of canned food, boxed food, pet food, kitchen appliances, old sets of dishes and other miscellaneous items.
“You need to weed through all this stuff,” Husband-Head instructed. “You’re a pack rat. Didn’t your mother feed you when you were a child?”
Then he held up a half empty box of Banana Pops popsicle sticks.
“This, for example, can go away,” he said. “These have been hanging around for years.”
I grabbed the box from him.
“They’re still good,” I defended. “See … we used them for something. Half the box is empty.”
“Obviously it wasn’t that good because we haven’t exactly been clamoring to use them again,” he retorted.
After the pantry was emptied, Husband-Head began building the additional shelves and painting over the next couple of days.
Meanwhile, I was completely lost in a sea of boxes. I had no idea where anything was because I had pretty much randomly thrown everything into the boxes in no particular order.
At one point, I needed a storage baggie for some rolls I wanted to freeze. I tore into everything, but couldn’t find the stupid baggies.
“This is RIDICULOUS!” I screamed at the top of my lungs after about an hour of searching. “I can’t find ANYTHING! I need a damn baggie for these damn rolls!”
Husband-Head came out of the pantry and just looked at me in amazement.
“It’s a $1.59 box of baggies for Pete’s sake!” Husband-Head yelled back in disbelief. “Go buy some more! It’s NOT that big of a deal!”
It was to me.
When the paint was dry, it was time to put everything back … finally.
“I’m not going to get involved,” Husband-Head said. “You just put everything where you want it.”
That was, until I started putting everything where I wanted it.
Husband-Head kept making suggestions and pointing things out until pretty soon he was putting everything away.
“I thought you didn’t want to get involved,” I said when he was done.
“You were doing it all wrong,” he said simply.
A few days later, Husband-Head was in the playhouse with a buddy watching football when his friend asked how the kitchen remodel was going.
“OK, except that Heidi about lost it the other day because she couldn’t find a box of sandwich baggies,” Husband-Head said with a laugh.
“Oh, the ol’ $1.59 fight,” his friend nodded knowingly. “Been there.”
“Yeah, I figured if we were going to get divorced, in the place on the paperwork where you give a reason, I was gonna have to put ‘rolls,'” Husband-Head admitted.
That was just the pantry. We’ll see how the actual kitchen goes …
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to read more columns or purchase her book collection.
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Imagine Glenwood and The City of Glenwood Springs is slated to host a virtual town hall at 5:30 p.m. Thursday, March 11.