How winning the GSPI football pool changed my life
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
OK, I can’t really back that up.
But I can seize the opportunity awarded to the winner of this competition by trashing my fellow competitors into oblivion, according to the rules outlined by the sports editor.
And to that, I will gladly oblige.
Truthfully, I never feared anyone in the contest other than the Hoosiers – Glenwood Springs Mayor Matt Steckler and April E. Clark.
Clark has a long history of football comebacks that would rival Brett Favre, and Matt Steckler is a rather imposing-looking and powerful person. So, I wouldn’t want to get on his political bad side by critiquing his picks in this particular forum.
Steckler once referred to me as “an astute football oracle” in an email, but I wasn’t even sure what that meant until I Googled it. Turns out an oracle isn’t a fish or a mammal like I thought, so all is forgiven.
Basically, I’m going to let Clark and Steckler off easy. Consider it a free pass and please remember the kindness displayed by returning the favor when either of you wins this thing next year.
I won’t be so kind with the rest of them, however, starting with poor, misguided Kristin Garwood.
With the Dancing with the Stars All-Star Season airing throughout most of the pigskin season, I knew Kristin couldn’t stay focused on the gridiron for any length of time; her eyes fixated instead on a shirtless Apolo Anton Ohno and Emmitt Smith in leather pants. This would eventually prove to be her downfall as she faded early in the competition, just like I knew she would.
Silly girl. So predictable, and such an easy opponent to obliterate.
Next on chopping block – the Ron Milhorn Show.
Ron knows his football, which is why I expected more than a whimper from him.
The former USC lineman was guilty of being a “homer” with his Trojan picks, breaking the cardinal rule of picking with your heart instead of your brain.
No need to feel sorry for Ron, though. His favorite baseball team, the Dodgers, have spent most of the winter trying to buy a World Series championship just like the Marlins attempted to do last year.
Rumor has it that Ron and Magic Johnson are tight, and that most of the personnel decisions were rubber-stamped by Milhorn himself.
If the Dodgers go belly-up in 2013, you can pin yet another loss on him.
What can I say about John Stroud, other than picking the Detroit Lions when the contest was on the line during the final week?
Was it a typo, a weak moment, a mental lapse? Say it isn’t so, John.
Stroud spent the last few weeks getting into contention and was atop the leaderboard recently until he came unraveled with Motown fever on the last Sunday in the NFL season.
Betting on Detroit on any game, during any season, in the post-Barry Sanders era is just plain foolishness.
And finally, most of my venom will be spewed at my personal punching bags, Jeff Caspersen and Collin Szewczyk.
Although both of these guys have been a great source of income for my family in 2012, now is the time to set the record straight and put them through the ringer.
I own them, plain and simple.
It started with fantasy baseball. Invited into their league as a first-year player, I destroyed both of them en route to the title in a league full of bloodthirsty baseball geeks. I actually feared both of these guys until I realized what I was up against.
Next up was fantasy football, where I systematically disposed of Caspersen in the first round of the playoffs, then Szewczyk in the semifinals, laughing all the way to the championship game.
And now this, three for three against these suckers, and trying desperately to get them in my hockey and basketball leagues to further pad my wallet.
The ironic twist to Collin’s demise in the GSPI pool came in the form of epic traitor proportions.
With a chance to win it all for the second year in a row, he decided to follow Stroud’s lead by picking Detroit over Chicago.
Szewczyk is a full-blown, dyed-in-the-wool Bears fan!
Probably a good time to show a little loyalty and bet with your heart, Collin.
Last but not least, there is a trophy that goes to the winner of this little contest – a football with signatures from winners past. Clark’s name is on it, twice. Szewczyk’s name is on it from last year when he still respected the likes of George Halas, Walter Payton, Dick Butkus and the 1985 Super Bowl shuffle.
Not this year.
This year, the football will arrogantly be signed “Jeff Sauer – Astute football oracle.”
It’s good to be the King. At least for one season.
– Jeff Sauer is a sports columnist for the Post Independent. He plans on trading Mike Trout to Collin Szewczyk prior to the 2013 fantasy baseball season for an 8th-round pick. He will later regret this.
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