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Let’s vacation in the nude

Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Fried Rice
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“I am SO sick of winter!’ Husband-Head fumed the other morning as he looked out the window as the snow was falling yet again. “I want to go somewhere warm … some place where there’s no snow … somewhere where there’s leaves on the trees …”

“You mean like where they grow bananas or coconuts?” I suggested, trying to join him in the mood.

“Yes,” he said curtly.



While the Colorado winter wonderland scene is great during the holiday season at Thanksgiving and especially at Christmas, it gets a little trying by the time January and February roll around.

And watching the “House Hunters International” program on TV during the evening doesn’t help.



“LOOK!” I pointed out with excitement to Husband-Head. “There’s a house in Bali for less than $300,000!”

Not only was it affordable, it looked right out onto the white sand, turquoise-colored beach with a home that included indoor and outdoor floor plans and, basically, looked like a five-star resort hotel. “OK, so what are we doing wrong?” I sighed, taking the words right out of Husband-Head’s mouth. “Why are people living like that and we’re scooping up poop in the snow?”

Not that we don’t love living in Colorado. It’s just that, for many of us, there seems to come a time in mid-winter when you get really, really sick of the white stuff and just want to bask in some warm weather.

And we’re not the only ones.

College students around the country have made it a tradition to go to warm weather vacation places each year on their annual “spring break,” which is typically celebrated in March.

The top spots are typically South Padre Island in Texas (with the slogan “Let’s PADRE!”); followed by Cancun, Mexico, along with Puerto Vallarta and Mazatlan; and followed by Panama City, Florida, the Bahamas and Europe.

“Isn’t Amsterdam supposed to be really cool?” Husband-Head asked curiously. “Aren’t pot and hookers legal in that country?”

Yes, and holding a pillow over the face of one’s spouse for an extended period of time is also not frowned upon. …

OK, so college spring break is way out of our league for most of us in our 40s, but it doesn’t mean we don’t need some kind of break as well.

“Why don’t we do our own little spring break vacation?” I suggested enthusiastically to Husband-Head. “We could all get together for a fun family gathering! We could meet up with my mom, her boyfriend and my sister and her boyfriend!”

Husband-Head looked at me as if he’d rather chew off his own arm.

My family happens to live in South Carolina, where they eat food with such appetizing names such as “grits” – not to be confused with “dirt.”

But in the quest to find a fun, family vacation spot this spring, I called my sister to see where she thought would be the best place for all of us to go as a family.

“We definitely don’t want to go to South Padre Island in Texas or Cancun or the resorts in Mexico,” I warned. “Those places are overrun with college students on spring break. God forbid we should have to look at tanned, hard six-packed abs or boobs that stand up on their very own. How disgusting!”

Husband-Head’s eyes lit up for a moment there. …

As we thought about it, my sister came up with an idea and sent over an idea. “Nude vacations in the Carribbean!” the website promised. “With a clothing optional private sailing charter yacht!”

The idea of sailing nude with my relatives did not sit well with me.

“After all the stresses of modern day life and the every day madness, it’s time for all smooth sailing,” the brochure promised. “Relax, get naked and unwind. We will cater to you and help to make this nude vacation unforgettable.”

There is absolutely no mention of sunblock and when or where it should be applied. …

“Don’t you think it would be a hoot?” my sister asked with a laugh. “Can’t you just see all of us lying around on a bunch of lounge chairs on a boat, totally naked?”

For me, the visual was not a good one.

“No,” I said firmly. “I do not want to see our mother, her boyfriend or you and your boyfriend naked. In fact, I don’t even want to see my own self naked.”

In the end, we decided that maybe a spring break vacation with the family wasn’t the best idea.

It just doesn’t get any better than being naked while sipping tropical boat drinks.

“You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em both up …”

Heidi Rice is a reporter for the Post Independent. Her column appears every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection of columns, “Skully Says Shut It!”


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