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Extreme stomach pacemakers

Steve Wells
Steve Wells
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It appears that we’ll most likely fall for the “stomach pacemaker” that’s coming soon to a network near you, if you qualify. I won’t know, as I’ll be paying my penalty this tax season for something I don’t want to buy in a “free society.” Most of us however, will be able to get a stomach pacemaker for an exorbitant fee.

Whatever you do, don’t learn a little about anatomy and physiology, for free, while getting tech-neck, and figuring out if a stomach pacemaker is right for you, because multitasking works. A little understanding about how your body really works goes a long way and makes things like the stomach pacemaker even more entertaining.

I get it. Functions of the human body are confusing and difficult. Most of us will not figure it all out. That’s no reason to avoid trying. If you pay attention, your body will teach you many lessons.

Before you get your stomach pacemaker, robot legs or “Kung-Fu Grip” consider fixing what got you there in the first place.

We constantly allow ourselves to be victimized by the government-food-medicine machine. If we could all lose weight with only a few workouts and some diet soda, obesity, cancer and diabetes would be nonexistent like they were only a century ago.

All of the topics that I write about are the factors that are making us obese. That’s why I don’t write about the coolest-latest-trendy-new way to work out. Working out is only a small part of the plan.

If you expect to get healthy by adding “another thing” to your plate like stressful workouts to a weak, unhealthy and toxified body, you will create more problems than you fix. That’s why annoying trainers like me are always shouting about changing your lifestyle. You can do this by simply living more like your grandparents did. If you are too “medicated” to remember how your grandparents lived, just Google it. They grew gardens, did physical work, had conversations face-to-face and knew the Pledge of Allegiance.

I wouldn’t be harping on the issue if I didn’t see people’s small efforts work on a daily basis. You can make things a lot easier on yourself just by tweaking a few behaviors without having to start canning stuff, performing burpees with perfect technique or raising chickens — although I really do appreciate the eggs and the canned veggies.

Obesity is hardly our fault. There are too many factors that make us obese that it can’t just be dumb luck for several enormously profitable industries that are all “regulated” by the man.

We’re hungry all the time because our bodies are starving for real nutrients — which have been removed for our food for our own safety.

Of course we need some regulation — as if that were somehow possible for our species. As a society, we dodge moderation like burpees and health food combined.

What is our fault is the fact that we constantly allow ourselves to be victimized by the government-food-medicine machine. If we could all lose weight with only a few workouts and some diet soda, obesity, cancer and diabetes would be nonexistent like they were only a century ago. They (the government-food-medicine machine) blame us for getting these diseases while they give them to us with poisoned food, drugs, water, air and medicine. And for some reason, we trust them wholeheartedly. It’s a fine example of an abusive relationship that you can’t break out of.

Then, in a sick attempt at humor, they offer us a $40,000 remote control for our stomach that controls hunger and runs on batteries … which are not included.

I actually heard about this a few years back and thought that it was only a joke, like 3D printing.

Why don’t they make it run on chemically infused, genetically modified, irradiated, pasteurized, homogenized, low-fat, heart-healthy, low-sodium, low cholesterol, USDA-approved junk? We have surpluses of that stuff, and it’s all made in the USA, and it would technically be recycling that actually might make a difference.

How screwed would we men be with one of these things since the way to our hearts is through our stomachs? What happens if the batteries run out? Why can’t I just get my current pacemaker to run my stomach too — like a universal remote? Maybe I could run my stomach, heart and brain with my phone via blue tooth or gamma rays? Why don’t they just 3D print you a stomach that is not hungry all the time?

They already do.

My advice is to be more skeptical about what you put in and on your temple. Learn to make some food yourself. You can’t just read labels. Don’t be cool with ingredients you can’t pronounce. Do you really think that the government-food-medicine machine is going to be totally honest with you when there is all that money on the table?

Yes I am blaming the victim a tiny bit because “it takes two to tango.” They can’t sell it if you won’t buy it.

Wait a minute …

They could just pass a law that requires you to buy their crappy food and drugs and give you a fine if you don’t. They might even be able to blame “nonconformers” for being too healthy and not contributing to offset the vast numbers of people who want to eat their crappy food and drugs. Or they could just make their products incredibly addictive and consider the job done.

Wait a minute …

How many times has this already happened?

*Disclaimer: Actually if you canned some of your own food, did some burpees and ate locally raised eggs you would be better off. Basic functions like gathering food are very healthy and was how your grandparents lived — long before stomach/heart/brain 3D pacemakers.

Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays.


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