Fitness column: Feds tell us red meat isn’t green |

Fitness column: Feds tell us red meat isn’t green

Steve Wells
Green Meat Eater
Steve Wells
Staff Photo |

Wow, just when I thought I’d heard it all. I was worried that I would have to write about something boring like new ways to do push-ups or fitness self-affirmations — but thankfully our federal government keeps on giving brilliant insight about public health and nutrition issues that I just can’t keep myself from commenting on.

The Obama administration is now claiming that the production of meat and dairy products is “associated with more environmental impact.” When Air Force One lands in Aspen for yet another family and friends vacation, there is an environmental impact also … but that’s different.

I am delighted to know that I can help save the planet from imminent destruction, and all I have to do is eat less red meat and dairy products. I had no idea that I was guilty of destroying the environment simply by eating.

I just fell out of my ergonomically correct chair, laughing at this logic. I stretch a lot, so I’m OK.

So let me get this straight. The same crooks who are sending us into the next world war are now telling us that eating red meat and dairy is destroying the environment. Essentially, cows are destroying the environment. Cows!

Why is red meat singled out? Mainly because it carries the most nourishment, but I have a sneaking suspicion that racism has to do with it. White meat is somehow better than dark meat? Lighter colored meats are healthier? Dark meat is less desirable. Red meat is the worst? Sounds like racism to me. Tofu is gray-alien colored so I’m not sure where it fits in. Perhaps it’s a premonition of a new race color.

I’m reeling in laughter as I imagine obese, pick-up driving, Republican meat eaters, single-handedly destroying the world for future generations by eating delicious, rare, red meat. Al Gore will probably steal my idea for a new TED talk after he reads this, and then claim that he invented “red meat racism.”

I must agree with Shalene McNeill, a dietitian for the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association, who said, “As red meat intake has declined, we are consuming more empty calories and obesity rates have steadily increased.” This racially motivated statement should offend “white and lighter meat” eaters. The bigger problem is that her statement makes total sense and therefore cannot be politically correct.

Federal government food regulation (i.e. those who want absolute control over everything, including what you eat) sure has come a long way. It always starts off in a seemingly good way. Fed food regulators always sell it to you that their oppressive new laws to help out their corporate buddies come only under the guise of public safety — and who could be against public safety? They come up with exciting new technologies that help to improve public health like homogenization, pasteurization, artificial chem-food, GMOs, feed lots and tofu burgers.

I know what you’re thinking — we need some regulation. Don’t we?

They (control freak public regulators) need to be regulated — in my nonexpert opinion. The biggest environmental polluters are the same people who are telling you and me to stop ruining the world by eating — so you can believe them for sure. Are you really OK with the man telling you what to eat?

Sorry, back to fitness. This has everything to do with fitness since we are fatter, sicker and I’d argue more easily confused than ever thanks partially to “regulatory agencies.” Thanks power-trippers. How could we have possibly achieved our current deplorable state of health with all the regulation that should have prevented it? I know, it was all those darn red meat and dairy eaters.

Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays.

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