Fitness column: Fitness for bad behavior
Fitness and Bad Behavior Certified Specialist
Let’s face it, bad behavior is fun. FDA “real-science” research has proven this with a single 90-day study using lab humans. They discovered that not only is bad behavior fun, but people will not stop their bad behavior no matter how many counseling sessions they are forced to endure.
When given a choice between cocaine, sugar water, kale chips and bad behavior, almost all lab humans choose bad behavior first. I wonder if studies like these* exist only to provide free material for the satirical genius writers of “The Far Side,” “Non Sequitur” and “South Park.”
Most personal trainers try to get you to minimize your bad behavior because they like to pretend that they don’t partake, and that’s why they’re so healthy. Consider that it’s OK to retain some of your bad behaviors and that perhaps trainers and therapists should just work on dealing with this fact.
There are many ways to get around bad behavior, that’s why fitness was invented. Remember to talk to your counselor before changing any behavior just to make sure the new behavior is approved by your insurance provider, guidance counselor, priest, hair professional and your mom. I am only a personal trainer, so I cannot be trusted to give you behavior advice. But I’m also a musician, which qualifies me to share with you the following techniques that you already know about but won’t apply because you love your bad behavior better than the negative symptoms that you complain to me about.
At least stay hydrated during bad behavior: This really helps to enjoy your bad behavior for longer periods of time. I know that you already know this, but many people screw this up after the bad behavior starts, especially at altitude in a very dry environment. Prepare for your bad behavior by slowly hydrating before the self-destructive event begins. Bad behavior and dehydration go together like organic chips, salsa and delicious locally brewed beer, which I will drink extra water to deal with.
Be in shape: If you are fit, you have a much better chance of surviving relentless bad behavior sessions. Allow me to clarify that too often the people who look fit, are not really fit for bad behavior. Many fit-looking pretty-people are in no shape for bad behavior and tend to get sick quick from it, thus ruining everyone’s fun. Some people just have great genetics for bad behavior, and I’d advise you to avoid attempting to try to hang with them.
Be flexible: You will probably bust yourself up partaking in bad behavior if done properly with good technique. Being flexible helps avoid injury so “get your yoga on” or simply stretch diligently. Stop arguing about which type of stretching is best with your fitness snob friends and use the time you saved to actually stretch. Be careful stretching before or after bad behavior as it may actually diminish performance.
A little strength training: Yep, this helps all bad behavior by making it easier and more fun. It’s neck and neck with flexibility for bad behavior survival and enjoyment. As adventure-partying events become more popular, you will have an edge on the competition as you attempt the infamous “just one more” while your encouraging friends cheer you on. It’s all about the camaraderie.
Eat some horrible diet food: This is probably the worst part of dealing with bad behavior. I’m sorry, but you will have to throw some kale into delicious nonhealthy foods to make you feel like you are making up for your bad behavior. This should be easy since everyone has to eat kale with every meal now until the next trendy horrible ornamental plant becomes popular. Tip: Only eat trendy, horrible diet food around others to get them to think that you are attempting to restore balance to your life, by eating disgusting ornamental plants.
Eliminate toxins: Detox gently after bad behavior with healthy, locally grown real food. Your body has the amazing ability to eliminate many toxins if supported with good food. Many of the toxins that we are exposed to come from the frankenfood we choose to eat, so it makes sense to eat as healthy as possible in between bouts of bad behavior. This concept is a direct reflection of the well-known related concept of working out really hard only to maintain overeating habits.
Good behavior: This helps to balance all the bad behavior. It helps to employ more good than bad, although this is difficult. I recommend professional help as moderation can be dangerous or even impossible for beginners.
*This is not a real study, although it is very similar to a real one. The difference is that real lab humans would pick the sugar water.
Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays. Check out Steve’s blog, “According to Steve” at midland-fitness.com.
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