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Fitness column: How sitting helps our economy

Steve Wells
Staff Photo |

Warning: You must have a sense of humor and the willingness to learn the truth about fitness to fully enjoy the following article.

I can’t sit still for too long. I drove my family and teachers crazy with my instinctive non-sitting behavior. Have you ever had trouble getting a person to sit all day while you make them perform boring tasks? An expert told me that you must correctly discipline non-sitters or at least dope them up enough at an early age to get any results.

Not much has changed. People who can’t sit through hours of boring monotony now require drugs to stay doped up enough to conform to experts’ demands.



Some believe that symptoms called “I just think differently” and “I just can’t conform to boring” evolved into an overexaggerated but very profitable scam that was first labeled “hyperactivity” and later ADD, ADHD, AADD, ACDC, ABBA and various other intimidating acronyms to sell drugs to kids to help them conform — I mean concentrate.

But what if the sitting enforcers were right? Of course they’re not, but entertain the idea for a laugh.



Sitting may be the fastest way to help out our economy.

If you choose to sit all day for whatever reason, you are helping out several very profitable, government-owned businesses. Stop blaming your guidance counselor for selling you on a career of sitting that will slowly cripple you into medical bankruptcy. Rejoice in avoiding all physical activity and supporting most of the following extremely profitable businesses.

Pharmaceutical Companies

These people make literally trillions of freshly printed dollars from you sitters. Science has proven that Big Pharma invented the office chair and is lobbying as you read this to eliminate all standing workstations so you can invest in more pain medications just to get through the day. Drug companies are relying on you to sit all day because that makes you a better customer for longer.

Health Care Professionals

Decades of sitting and wondering why you’re so darn unhealthy helps to keep an army of professionals employed to nurse along our “lifestyle diseases.” These people are forced to avoid sitting to take care of your sitting addiction, and it’s not fair. In fact, I’ve seen many of these people wearing running shoes in order to keep up with the marathon of sedentary illnesses, and I suspect that this is why it takes so long to get an appointment.

Processed Food Manufacturers

If you get up out of the chair, you are denying mega corporations the right to earn trillions of dollars by keeping you in a chair. It is just downright un-American to avoid supporting these multinational companies who are enslaving our entire country via poor health. Don’t listen to these “conspiracy fact-orists” who interrupt your sitting and eating frenzy with crazy ideas like avoiding processed foods because it is literally killing you. Remember, there is no real science to back up anything that goes against processed food manufacturers’ science.

FITNESS OPERATIONS

These type of facilities are actually hurting the sitting movement in my non-expert opinion. Gyms and other “activity-based” businesses are destroying the economy by taking the vastly disproportionate amount of money that you spend on them versus the other things listed above, and get you out of your chair for a few minutes per month.

Practical Fitness Fix

What does sitting have to do with fitness? Everything. Sitting has caused more health problems that even I could possibly complain about. However, many local companies are investing in combating this problem by incentivizing staff to be more active in many creative ways. The advice that I give anyone who works in an office or drives for a living is to do the lunchtime walk. Getting out at lunch resets your body, gives you some sunshine and fresh air, helps to manage stress and helps to counteract hours of sitting. Find little ways to sit less and you’ll be much happier and healthier for it.

Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays.


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