Invasion of the Canadian apples |

Invasion of the Canadian apples

Steve Wells
Real Apple Eater
Steve Wells
Staff Photo |

One bad apple spoils the bunch. That’s why Canadians are making sure that there are no more bad apples. Genetic modification will fix that problem. Canadians have created an apple that does not bruise, turn yellow, get spots or taste anything like an apple.

The Arctic Granny and the Arctic Golden will be irresistible because they will look better in the grocery store, because our culture cares mostly about outward appearance and not so much about quality. People who run grocery stores know that you will only pick the prettiest apples and that we will waste the not-so-perfect ones. We could feed several small countries on our waste. Maybe we could feed the starving people in our own country with the bad apples.

You can rest easy knowing that your Food and Drug Administration is working tirelessly to make sure that foods that it approves won’t kill you, or worse, slowly kill you after a hefty hospital bill.

The FDA considers GMO foods to be “not materially different from other products.” The FDA also indicates that genetically modified foods are “safe and need no special labeling.”

Once again, here are my troublesome questions:

• If GMOs are not materially different, then why are we making them?

• Are genes not material?

• Then what the heck are GMO foods?

Here are only a few of currently FDA approved foods that are poisonous (not poisonous in my opinion, but factually poisonous):

Aspartame — Linked to a host of diseases and symptoms according to independent research. Once your body is so loaded with toxins that doctors say it’s OK to guzzle diet soda to lose weight, we are in a very sad state of health. Just saying.

BPA — Plastic has always been bad, so why would you eat it? Or drink it by using designer coffee creamers that actually contain plastic. Experts are not even really sure that BPA-free stuff is safe, since BPA-free plastic is still plastic.

Azodicarbonamide — This is a bleaching agent for grains. Who could eat a grain without bleaching it first? I mean this is just common sense. I dip everything I eat in bleach first to make sure that it’s safe. This is also why I rub toxic antimicrobial chemicals on my skin all day to keep from getting sick from germs. It just makes sense.

Brominated vegetable oil — Evil geniuses use it to get artificial color to stick to a liquid in Mountain Dew and to clean pools. I use Mountain Dew to clean pools and cut out the middle man. Since Mountain Dew used to be slang for moonshine, I checked out moonshine ingredients and, to my dismay, there is no brominated vegetable oil in any recipes that I have tried.

Artificial food coloring — Every couple of years, we find an artificial color that gives us cancer. I think that we do this just to get new M&M colors.

The old saying goes, “Cross me once — shame on you. Cross me twice — shame on me.” How could one possibly trust the FDA based on currently approved poisons, forget about the horrible stuff the agency has approved in the past. That’s how we get imported GMO apples.

Could I do a better job? Absolutely, but as I’ve commented in the past, I can be bribed, too — that’s all it is in my opinion, big business bribery. That’s how you get arctic apples, new M&M colors and drinkable pool cleaner.

The GMO debacle is complicated, technical and boring at best. That’s how they get you to tune out and go back to fantasy football and the Kardashians. There will always be some truth in the lie to make it more deceiving. Politicians need to move on to the next fundraiser (party) and don’t have time to figure out the difference between hybridization and isolated gene modification — they just want to fulfill trade agreements and have awesome apples.

Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays.

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