The unofficial, nonexpert, politically correct eating guide
Warning: The following article may contain traces of sarcasm and was manufactured in a facility where people exercise.
At the risk of upsetting the dogmatic nutrition police, here is my opinion on recent nutrition trends that the unsuspecting public is dealing with. People are often misled by nutrition “experts” into buying their “products” to lose weight for general health, to increase performance and for many other reasons.
The following is a guide for the lay person to follow through the confusing world of politically correct eating. This will help normal people survive the rigmarole of the dogmatic nutrition police (or DNP for short).
Do not eat the following foods to avoid discrimination by politically correct eaters:
Any meat: There is no way to win here, not even by sticking to lighter meats and avoiding the dreaded “dark meat.” Even if the meat that you choose to consume was locally sourced by yourself meaning that you chased it down, open-field tackled it with good form, murdered it with only your hands, paid for its carbon footprint with petro dollars and used every single bit of it, you’re still in violation. You are showing aggression, ability and skill and are providing a viable sustaining service to yourself an others around you, so this is a definite no-no according to the DNP regime.
Eggs, and not eating them: This separates the men from the boys in personal trend setting. Eggs or egg nanoparticles are found in many foods, so by avoiding them, you are showing everyone how serious you are about your new food-control behavior; almost like a tiny little food strike to make a statement but not really. This is also why there are warning labels for eggs but not GMOs.
Nuts: Eating almonds is drying out Southern California according to current sustainability math.
Carbohydrates: No explanation needed since everyone knows that cutting carbs is the healthy road to zero energy, constant tiredness, weakness and helps us rely more on chemical stimulants. Pink pre-workout powder mixed with a little designer water is all you need because carbohydrates are the absolute enemy.
Unacceptable processed foods: Certain processed junk like tofu burgers and green sourced exotic grain flakes are somehow deemed to be OK processed foods. Delicious processed foods like homemade pie and anything that has gluten (and therefore delicious) are not PC, unless no one is looking.
Things to add to your diet to be nutritionally/politically correct according to the DNP:
Acceptable processed foods like tofu, veggie burgers, vegetable and grain processed patties, baked processed vegetable-looking puffy snacks that look like a delicious snack but taste horrible are also acceptable.
Any plant-based food, mechanically separated and chemically processed or not. Even though sustainability scientists estimate that it takes 40,000 tons of fair-trade vegetables to raise a human, this is still somehow deemed to be efficient*. Growing plants uses light, soil and valuable water — three things we can’t afford to waste even though we throw about 40 percent of food into landfills, according to conservative estimates.
Anything with the following vague and misleading descriptions written on the package — because you can definitely trust your federal government to regulate food, of all things: low fat, baked, natural, whole grain, low sugar, heart healthy, reduced calorie, low-sodium .
Attention marketing majors and lawyers: Please feel free to chime in and help me out here if I missed any technically legal but grossly misleading food statements or descriptions that we can sell to an unsuspecting public for billions of dollars.
*This number is only a grossly embellished estimate, like most numbers the DNP used to get us to follow along with their agenda and pit us against each other over silly things like what we should eat.
Steve Wells is a personal trainer at Midland Fitness. You can read more of his articles at midland-fitness.com.
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