Vegan bacon, my favorite oxymoron |

Vegan bacon, my favorite oxymoron

Steve Wells
Steve Wells
Staff Photo |

Yes, this is still a thing. Isn’t vegan bacon an oxymoron? Vegan bacon is as funny as “government intelligence.” How come there are no meat-eater’s veggies? It could look like one of your favorite vegetables but really it’s made out of delicious meat and fat. Instead, I am stuck eating awesome, tasty, satisfying real food while all the “healthy” people are gorging themselves on “facon” and veggie burgers. Can you feel my guilt?

Why are we constantly trying to push a fake bacon product when real bacon is so delightful in its natural state? There is nothing more unsatisfying than trying to replace the awesome taste of bacon with some fake, imitation mystery meat substitute. Why do the fake-food-makers pick on my favorite foods? I suspect it’s because whole, animal foods are very healthy and have provided sustenance for a millennium. They have been successfully peddling fake food for about as long as it has been chemically possible. They have attacked whole animal foods by getting us to believe that somehow manmade imitation food is better than the real thing.

Perhaps the low-fat and fat-free diet sham had something to do with all the fake dairy, meat and egg products out there. Inventing a problem and selling the solution is as old a scam as they go. Our FDA, fake food makers and politicians have orchestrated a great plan to buy their cheap GMO oils, grains and medications all with one campaign. I am disappointed at the lack of creativity from fake food pushers — but why get creative if we’ll fall for the same simple tricks?

It’s funny how people choose a certain way of eating in an attempt to gain health, but then just end up consuming politically correct, healthy, processed junk. And then there are people who just eat too much bacon. It seems that both camps are confused.

If you think that all you can eat is meat you’d be fooling yourself, too. I always question how much real meat meat-eaters are consuming vs. hormone filled, antibiotic laden, junk-food eating, feed-lot ghettoed, quazi-cattle and bathtub raised fish. This is a legitimate health problem for Americans. My vegan friends are quick to point out the health risks that come with the over-consumption of poor quality animal products — and they’d be right.

The point of the story is not to make my vegan friends and my paleo friends angrier with me, it’s to show you that there is no healthy processed food. Man will never out-think nature. The further that we choose to stray from natural foods, the more sickly we will become. Vegan bacon is just another great way to illustrate the facade of healthy processed junk along with the invention of the turbaconducken.

Ok, the turbaconducken is pure genius!

Help for bacon addiction: “Bacon-fu” is a new product to help you abstain from bacon. Bacon addicts can rejoice because now they have a healthy tool to arm themselves against the dangers of bacon. Bacon-fu is made completely out of tofu and tastes just like this grey, spongy, GMO processed garbage food. Since your olfactory sense has such a powerful memory, every time you smell bacon you’ll be reminded of the horrible taste and texture of “bacon-fu” and never want bacon again.*

*Actually, there are several similar products that already exist and you will always crave real bacon because it is awesome, and imitation bacon is always horrible. People avoid bacon for three reasons: political correctness, religious beliefs and/or mental illness.

Steve Wells is a personal trainer and co-owner of Midland Fitness. His column appears on Tuesdays.

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