Men like using power tools … on a steeek!
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“Hey, look at my new toy!” Husband-Head said excitedly, lugging a big box into the house. “This is so cool! I’m gonna be, like, the grooviest guy on the block.”
Yes, honey. No one would argue that. …
I looked at the very long, skinny box and wondered what could possibly be in it.
“It better not be another toy for the playhouse, and it better not have anything to do with football,” I warned.
“Nope!” Husband-Head said with a smile. “That’s not what it is – this is something for the house – something that will benefit all of us.”
I didn’t really believe him because seldom does one thing benefit me AND Husband-Head AND the two dogs AND the cat.
“Ummm … it’s too big to be a really cool pair of shoes, rawhide bones or catnip,” I surmised. “It can’t even be a football or a six-pack of beer.”
“Nope, it’s even better than that,” Husband-Head said smugly.
Those are the only things our family likes – what else could it be?
Husband-Head pulled out his new toy with a big grin.
“It’s my new power tool! Eees a chainsaw on a STEEEK!” he said proudly in a Mexican accent, waving the saw around on a 12-foot pole.
He was doing his own imitation of stand-up comic and ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. If you aren’t familiar with Dunham, then you are missing out on a lot of laughs because the guy is absolutely hysterical.
In fact, I will schedule dinner before or after his show on Comedy Central because it is just completely gross to laugh really hard while eating.
The gist of Dunham’s act is that he has these character puppets – who have their own personalities – which he keeps in a suitcase and brings out one by one while having conversations with them.
“I am Jose Jalapeno on a STEEEEK!” one of his characters shrieks – a jalapeno-head, complete with sombrero, who sits on a stick and speaks with a Mexican accent. Dunham also has a dead terrorist puppet called Achmed, a grouchy old man named Walter, a goofy purple puppet named Peanut and an idiotic red-neck guy called Bubba J.
It’s all good and funny because Dunham is a professional entertainer.
But the idea of Husband-Head with a friggin’ “chain saw on a STEEEK!” sounded more dangerous than amusing. And I wasn’t the only one concerned.
Husband-Head had bragged about his new toy to his online football buddies, who seemed almost as nervous as I was.
“A chain saw on a pole?” one guy e-mailed back. “Dude, it just seems like something bad is going to come out of that. It seems like somebody’s going to get hurt.”
But apparently, Husband-Head and the neighbor had already made plans to trim the trees in the backyard on Saturday morning.
And I could tell Husband-Head was anxious to try out his new toy.
“Look what this can do!” he yelled out to me as he proceeded to slice branches off the trees like butter. “This is so great!”
The neighbor and some other guys came over with their own chain saw and they all proceeded to hack away at the trees.
And drink beer.
“Do you really think it’s wise to operate that kind of machinery while drinking Bud Light?” I pulled Husband-Head aside and hissed. “Somebody’s going to fall out of a tree or saw their arm off!”
“I’m not drinking, but don’t worry – they’re professionals,” he assured me.
At operating chain saws or drinking?
A little while later, I looked out and saw nothing but tree limbs littering the entire yard. I went out and pulled Husband-Head aside once again.
“Can you, like, at least leave some branches on the trees?” I asked. “I know you’re having fun with your new tool, but it would be nice to have a little shade. …”
In the end, the big bushy trees around the yard looked like they’d just received a really bad haircut.
“Don’t worry, they’ll grow back,” Husband-Head said, reading my mind. “But that was fun. There’s something about sawing stuff up that is so satisfying.”
The 1974 horror film “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” came to mind.
Husband-Head cleaned up his new saw and proceeded to put it away, but not before admiring it one more time.
“I am Mr. Chainsaw on a STEEEK!”
Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Citizen Telegram and the Post Independent. Her column runs every Thursday in the CT and Friday in the PI. To buy her book collection of columns visit http://www.heidirice.com.
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