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Resolving to break the New Year resolutions

Fried Rice
Heidi Rice
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“Let’s do something different for New Year’s this year,” I suggested to Husband-Head.

“You mean, like actually stay up until midnight?” Husband-Head replied. “That would be really different.”

He was right. It’s been years since we’ve seen the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Hell, it’s all we can do to stay up to see the ball drop at Times Square in New York City at 10 p.m. our time.



“So … what do you have in mind?” Husband-Head wanted to know. “I’m game as long as it doesn’t involve getting off the couch.”

“Nope, you can do this on the couch if you want,” I assured him. “And you can take your time – but you have to be done by midnight.”



Husband-Head raised an eyebrow.

I thought it would be fun to write each other’s New Year’s resolutions,” I explained. “You make a list for me and I’ll make one for you and we’ll exchange them.” Husband-Head looked a little skeptical.

“Yes, I can’t think of a better way to start a major fight for the new year,” he agreed.

I gave him a piece of paper and a pen in plenty of time to come up with a list of 10 resolutions for me. Off he went to his playhouse to craft the list.

I sat down to make my list for him.

1. I will stop screaming “Pew!” and then blaming it on my wife or the pets.

2. No more whining about taking care of the pool and threatening to take it down.

3. Quit running to the bathroom ahead of my wife and then announcing LOUDLY how much better I feel … how relieved … how the pressure is now gone … while she has to stand outside the door and wait.

4. Start picking up my clothes off the floor when changing or getting undressed instead of just leaving them there.

5. Stop pushing on my wife’s head during the night to make her stop snoring.

6. Refrain from singing songs I know my wife hates and laughing when they get “stuck” in her head.

7. Reduce the number of times I have to go to the local hardware store all weekend.

8. Pay attention to my wife, even though there’s a football game on.

9. Pretend to like the FoodNetwork and Lifetime Television for Women channels.

10. Stop opening the fridge doors and standing there staring at the contents thinking a snack will magically jump out.

I was surprised when Husband-Head came bounding back in the house a half hour later.

“Here you go – you asked for it,” he said, holding out the piece of paper.

I grabbed it and gave him mine.

“Resolutions for Heidi” it started.

1. Stop snoring.

2. Stop buying shoes I’ll never wear.

3. Never make Ratatouille again. Ever.

4. Help my husband pick up the pets’ “hidden gems” under the snow.

5. Get rid of the pool so my husband doesn’t have to deal with it.

6. Learn to use the snow blower.

7. Never make my husband grocery shop again.

8. Buy a pinball machine.

9. Stay on my side of the bed.

10. Stop snoring.

“You snore, TOO!” I protested.

“Too bad you only wanted 10 resolutions,” Husband-Head shrugged. “I could’ve gone on and on. Like, stop buying enough groceries each week to feed a small Third World country. Or quit …”

“Shut UP!” I interrupted him. “You realize none of those things are going to happen, don’t you?”

As we settled into the couch that evening to watch the New Year’s Eve festivities on TV, Husband-Head asked what we were going to do for fun on New Year’s Day since we both had it off.

I’d already planned it out.

“I was thinking we should go to the grocery store and then do some shoe shopping. And when we get home. I’ll make us some Ratatouille for dinner. …”

“BLINDED by the light!” Husband-Head suddenly belted out.

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection, “Skully Says Shut It!”


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