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Sell your stuff – or your family – on Craigslist

Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Fried Rice
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“I just e-mailed you something you have to look at!” Husband-Head chuckled over the phone. “But I SWEAR to you that I didn’t write it.”

In my mind, if somebody swears they didn’t do something, it means they probably did. …

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” I ventured. “Somebody wrote something nasty about me?”



Husband-Head just laughed.

“No, it’s from Craigslist,” he explained. “Just open it up and read it.”



It never ceases to amaze me. Husband-Head complains about how much I shop on the Internet at Victoria’s Secret for clothes, Zappos for shoes and Clinique for skin care products, yet he’s on the damn Craigslist looking at stuff almost every day.

And then he e-mails me the listings he finds interesting.

This particular one was in the “Free” section of Craigslist for the Western Slope of Colorado.

“WIFE,” it read. “She’s a sturdy model, low miles. But farts in her sleep – sounds like a hibernating bear! Free delivery and carry crate.”

After reading it, I called Husband-Head at work.

“Ummm, do you want to explain WHY you are you looking at the personal ads on Craigslist?” I asked. “I don’t mind if you shop for something to put in your mancave, but you might want to explain why you’re looking for another wife. And one who farts. …”

“No, no, no … she was FREE!” Husband-Head said with a laugh. “I always look at the free ads. I thought it was funny!”

After reading it, I decided to look at Craigslist myself – something I have never done. Let’s just say there’s everything and anything you could ever want on this site.

For those who have not yet joined the 21st century, Craigslist is an online website that began in 1995 and incorporated as a for-profit site in 1999. It now offers items for sale, personal ads, discussion forums, services, jobs and housing, along with the free items. As of April 2009, it services approximately 570 cities in 50 states and gets about 20 billion page views per month.

Job listings include things such as one seeking an astronaut for an experimental flight in a homemade aircraft to Titan. Two questions came to my mind. Is your name Richard Heene? And … where the hell is “Titan”?

“I am certain you will make it safely to Titan, but there will not be enough fuel to get home,” the ad reads. “This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe.”

Forever.

Another job listing seeks a “dead rat finder and remover” after he put out rat poison and believes the rats have now died in his bedroom walls.

“I need somebody who has experience finding where in the wall the dead rats is and then taking them out without breaking the walls,” the person posting the ad wrote. “I desperately need some guy’s help right away ’cause my girlfriend won’t sleep over anymore till I get rid of the smell and cleanup other things around my house and get a job soon.”

We’re thinking the dead rats aren’t the worst of his problems. …

Medical marijuana dispensary employees looking for a side job might think about applying for this one.

“Certified bong polisher and operations engineer,” the ad reads. “Twelve years experience with water-based pipes and clogged tubes. Ruby-on-Rails, resin, Apache Bong server, Vaporizer and Java.” Huh?

Then, of course, there’s the ultimate sale.

A couple of months ago, a man tried to “sell” his parents on Craigslist.

“Perfectly Good Parents – $155. Got lots of use out of these guys over the past 50 years, but it’s time to move on. Excellent overall condition. Still plenty of life left in them. Will consider trade for newer model, hot blonde under age 40 or an Erector Set in good condition. MUST SEE!”

Michael Amatrudo, 51, of Connecticut, told a CBS morning TV show that within minutes after making the post, he began receiving offers from around the country.

Ummm … who would want to BUY someone else’s parents?

But it turns out Amatrudo and his parents all have a really good sense of humor and everyone was OK with the joke – at least that’s how they portrayed it on TV.

Until, of course, his parents joked about him being cut out of the will. …

After looking at all the research, I had only one question for Husband-Head when we went to bed that evening.

“What in the world is an ‘Erector Set’?”

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection of columns, “Skully Says Shut It!”


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