Super Bowl all about appetizers and guys in zebra suits
Post Independent Staff
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Like everyone else, I’m gearing up for the big Super Bowl game this weekend between the Patriots and the Giants ” planning what sporty little outfit I’ll wear to the party we’re attending and getting ready to make some fabulously fun appetizers to bring.
The only problem is, I don’t know a thing about football, despite the fact that for nearly 20 years I have lived with husband-head, who is a diehard Green Bay Packers fan. However, we will not mention the Packers again after the NFC Championship game against the Giants two weekends ago.
We had a bunch of people over for a party who, while not necessarily Packer fans, were supportive of husband-head and cheering his team on, but only because their own teams were out of the running. Everyone was in a jovial and upbeat mood at the beginning of the party and I was sure we would run out of beer. By the end, I was worried we wouldn’t have enough tissue. But that didn’t matter as everyone left immediately after the game because I think nobody wanted to see husband-head cry…
Nevertheless, husband-head is a trooper and is now geared up for the party and the big game, even though his team won’t be in it.
“Do NOT say anything during the game,” husband-head warned me. “It’s bad enough that the Packers choked, but I don’t need you asking stupid questions on top of it.”
What he doesn’t realize is that over the years of listening to endless hours of football on television, I think I have gleaned some understanding of the game, which I will share with those of you who also find yourselves feeling like a widow during football season.
First of all, they play on a big field that has a bunch of numbers on it. I’m not exactly sure what they mean, but I think it’s the number of times the quarterback is allowed to touch the guy in front of him on the butt when they’re all bent over in a line.
From what I can gather, the gist of the game is that the quarterback guy tries to throw the ball to anyone on his team who can catch it, before someone from the opposite team gets him in the sack. The dude trying to catch the ball is brave as hell because more often than not, he gets clobbered by a bunch of 300-pound guys. If not, his team scores a touchdown and he gets to do a stupid little dance in the end zone.
There are some things that go on during the game that I’m not really sure about, such as “interceptions,” “fumbles,” “punts,” “pass interference” and “penalties.”
Not to mention the guys in the little black and white zebra suits.
“What’s up with the zebra dude doing a karate chop on his wrist and yelling “personal foul!” I asked husband-head during a game. “Did the player pass gas or something?”
Why do the zebra men have to act out all their calls? Not that we mind, but are they catering to the hearing-impaired or something? Or is it a national game of Charades?
For example, the arm signal for “holding” ” in which they raise their arms, grabbing their right wrist with their left hand ” could easily be interpreted to mean “Stop the game! I lost my watch!” or “Help! I can’t find my pulse!”
Obviously, I don’t understand all the rules of the game, but I did read somewhere that the actual play was only supposed to take about one hour. So why does it last three hours or more?
I blame it on the commercials that feature trucks, tires, tools, beer and babes. Not to mention the halftime entertainment that sometimes includes wardrobe malfunctions.
But this year, I, for one, will go to a Super Bowl party and spend the majority of my time at the buffet table scarfing down appetizers.
Husband-head may not like it, but I think sometime during the last few minutes of the fourth quarter, I’ll stand in front of the TV and see if anyone wants to play “Charades” …
Heidi Rice is a staff writer for the Post Independent and the author of Fried Rice, a column that appears elsewhere in the paper each Friday, with frequent celebrity appearances by husband-head. Her regular column can be found on page A9.
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