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The Bachelorette Diaries

April in Glenwood
April E. Clark
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
April E. Clark
ALL |

Now that I find myself wrapped up in yet another season of “The Bachelor,” a few questions come to mind.

Why am I watching this stuff when I could be helping feed the hungry? Or whittling forest creature-shaped soaps for the soapless?

What kind of secret subliminal messages sent through the airwaves are tricking me into believing a marriage proposal can happen after six weeks?



How can I get a date that involves an airplane ride and a private concert by Chicago?

And why am I asking myself questions about “The Bachelor”?



But mostly I wonder, “What if dating were like a continuous episode of “The Bachelor,” or in my case, “The Bachelorette?”

WWAD (What would April do?).

Imagine if everywhere I went there were 25 men vying for my love. There would be romantic poems written for me – in bulk. Ripped dudes taking out their frustration of six-on-one dates by wrestling in the pool. Group dates requiring stand-up comedy stunts, roller coaster rides, and shopping for belts.

Chemistry can be found in the most unexpected places.

Something tells me finding 25 guys in the valley ready for that kind of commitment might be a stretch. Especially once they see how grumpy I can be after a nap. But the thought of real-life bachelorettism (a word I made up especially for this conversation that means dating 25 guys at once) does crack me up. Especially when I think of trying to hold hands with more than one date at once.

I’ve seen it happen on the show, and I find it amazing the bachelors and bachelorettes can pull that off. How does that work anyway?

I guess I’d be in the middle.

Which takes me to the cuddling and kissing that goes on with multiple partners. Have you seen the action going on there?

Don’t think I could be in the middle.

Cinemax might want to look into an after-hours version the show. Maybe filmed during Spring Break. Wait, I think there’s already a show like that.

It’s called “Jersey Shore.”

All this dating of 25 guys at once sounds fine and good until the eliminations begin. I really hate breakups, so this part of the equation is a problem. I’d be walking around with 25 roses, torn up over all this decision-making. What if I dropped one on accident and some guy so-not-my-type found it? What if I caught them on fire while lighting a candle on my coffee table and I ended up with one left after only a week? What if the one guy who I gave my last rose to gave it back? Then I guess I would have to start over again.

That’s always great for a girl’s reputation. Dating 50 guys before even reaching summer. Sounds tiring, actually.

From all that talking, silly.

Wow, 50 dates and one girl. That’s the stuff movies – or primetime TV shows – are made of these days.

Especially after-hours on Cinemax.

April E. Clark is happy she doesn’t have to date on television or online. She can be reached at aclark@postindependent.com


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