Thomas Multiplicity unitization request OK’d
Morally Indifferent Staff
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
APRIL FOOLS – In a coup that will likely send ripples through Congress, a local environmentalist group has received the OK to plant an organic farm on land owned by oil giant GS Indifference.
Coaldale-based Thomas Multiplicity works to acquire oil and gas lands across the country and convert the parcels into organic farmland. They have received a tentative OK from the Texas Legislature to form a unitization request, which will allow other organic farms to consolidate nearby petroleum leases.
The Houston property is pristine oil and gas drilling territory, home to the largest population of Louisiana wildcat in the Lower 48.
“This is an outrage,” lamented Kor Prattgreed, CEO of GS Indifference. “We are sitting on oil and gas land that took decades to defoliate. Within a month of Thomas taking over our land, things will grow here again. That is unacceptable.”
GS argues that it took billions of taxpayer subsidy dollars to render the land infertile.
“The public has no idea how much produced water you have to pour onto the ground to halt growth,” Prattgreed said. “Mother Nature is a stubborn woman, but God willing, we’ll beat her. We have scientists working day and night to solve the problem of the Earth’s resilience.”
Congressman Scoot “Tip” Tonsfromindustry, R-Cordrill, said he was appalled by the takeover.
“I made a campaign promise that I’d protect the oil and gas industry. Now big environment is risking everything,” Tonsfromindustry said. “We need to keep them out and make sure these lands remain as desolate as the lunar landscape.”
Officials from Thomas weren’t impressed by all the tough talk.
“We purchased the rights for the GS property fair and square,” said Thomas spokeswoman Tammy Moonbeam. “We now look forward to an aggressive campaign of reforestation and hopefully, river cleanup.”
Houstontonians have voiced concerns about increased traffic in the area, as an expected 12 to 14 energy-efficient vehicles could flood nearby roadways.
“We believe that we can bring in all the seeds we need with our Prius fleet,” Moonbeam said. “That’s just the cost of progress.”
Colorado legislator Dodger Voit, D-Oilwood Springs, was happy about the move.
“The American people have spoken, and they demand organic produce at affordable prices,” Voit said. “Going forward, our mantra is ‘Grow, baby, grow!'”
Known for its financial ties to billionaire brothers Donnie and Chaz Cola, GS Indifference hopes Americans realize the risks of eating organic foods and the threat represented by the organic foods industry before it’s too late.
“The next thing you know, people may start exercising and losing weight,” Prattgreed said. “What is this world coming to?”
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