Undertaking a 30-day marriage experiment
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“Would you ever do everything I said for 30 days?” I asked Husband-Head while he watched the news on TV.
There was no answer.
“I SAID … would you ever do everything I asked you to do for 30 days?” I repeated.
“This is a trick question, isn’t it?” Husband-Head finally responded. “I’ve ALREADY been doing everything you ask for the past 16 years!”
But it wasn’t the same. I was referring to a guy named A.J. Jacobs, the author of “My Life as an Experiment,” who agreed to do whatever his wife Julie asked of him for 30 days – no questions asked.
“No guy in his right mind would offer to do that,” Husband-Head said in disbelief. “You’re making that up. I know what you’re trying to do.”
“I saw it on TV!” I insisted. “He did whatever she wanted – no questions asked.”
Husband-Head had a look on his face that said he would rather be nibbled to death by a duck than take on that kind of challenge.
“Wow…he must’ve done something really, REALLY bad,” Husband-Head sympathized with this man he did not know, but empathized with in a kind of man-world way. “Poor dude.”
The experiment was also posted on the “momslikeme.com” website asking its members what type of things they would have their husbands do under the same scenario.
The replies ranged from doing the laundry, changing the cat litter box, picking up their own clothes off the floor and taking ballroom dance lessons to cleaning the bathroom, ironing and even getting a job.
Jacobs’ own wife made him pick olives, which she doesn’t like, out of her salad while at a restaurant…
This, of course, made me think of things I might ask Husband-Head to do for 30 days – no questions asked. So I made my list and handed it to him. Some of the instructions were rather obvious while others probably pushed the envelope a bit.
• Rub my feet, my neck and my back. And not so hard that it leaves bruises.
• Stay up and watch “The Golden Girls” re-runs with me while sharing a piece of cheesecake.
• Paint my toenails.
• Treat me like royalty as if you were the butler and I am “Queen Heidi.”
• Rave over everything I cook, even if it’s Ramen noodles …
• Refill my wine glass without my having to ask or raising your eyebrow …
• Watch movies with me, including “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion,” “Love Story,” “The Notebook,” “Thelma and Louise,” “Bridges of Madison County,” “Against All Odds” and “Little Women.”
• Go to my water aerobics class and pretend like you’re really working out and not watching the women’s bobbing breasts.
• Agree with everything I say.
• Drink a dainty little “lemon drop” cocktail with your beer-drinking buddies during a pre-season football game and try to explain – yet again – that you’re not gay – all the while drinking the cocktail with your pinky up in the air …
• Go to the grocery store and ask one of the clerks where the “super plus” feminine protection is located.
“Wait a minute, I thought we were past all that,” Husband-Head protested. “Isn’t that why we had to get the super-mega-ultra standing fan so your head didn’t heat up and blow off?”
When we were finished with my 30-day list, Husband-Head whipped out a list of his own that he had scrawled on a piece of paper, to my horror.
“Surely you didn’t think you were going to be the only one to have their bidding done,” he chastised. “Fair is fair.”
He then began to read.
“A person can’t do that in PUBLIC!” I cried out, after his first request. “Nobody should be doing that after the age of 25, anyway!”
Husband-Head ignored me and continued on.
• No talking during football – pre-season, regular season, post-season or commercials. I will tell you when it is OK to converse.
• Bring fun food snacks to the playhouse and then immediately leave. Again, no talking.
• Order NFL Ticket from DishNetwork without being asked. No questions. It doesn’t matter what it costs.
• Stop buying shoes online. It cuts into my NFL Ticket budget.
• No complaining about the noise from my shoot ’em up movies.
• Pretend you like the “Three Stooges” even if you don’t.
• Comply with the first request whenever I request it. …
We’ll see what happens after Husband-Head and I try this experiment with our marriage after 30 days. …
But if you have a funny story or column idea, please feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Heidi Rice is a columnist for the Citizen Telegram. Her column appears every Thursday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com to see more columns or purchase her book collection of columns.
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