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Where you at … dude?

Heidi Rice
Post Independent
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Fried Rice
ALL |

“Alright, well I’ll tell you ONE feature you’re not getting on your new cell phone, missy,” Husband-Head informed me after doing more than an hour of computer research on the subject. “You can get a new phone, but I’ll decide what features it will have.”

With our current two-year cell phone contract ending this month, we recently decided to make a change. Mainly because a) the phones suck; b) the charger cords that go into the phones never stay in; and c) out of 700 minutes allotted on my phone per month, I use maybe … oh … three.

“I work at home,” I shrugged, explaining my lack of usage. “The only reason I need a cell phone is for work if I’m out on an assignment or to call you to pick my happy butt up somewhere. Other than that, I use our land line at home.”



My sister, who uses only a cell phone, once made fun of me and said that no one uses land lines anymore and that cell phones were the only way to go. That was, until her phone – once again in the middle of a conversation – dropped the call and we were disconnected.

So I don’t use my cell phone that much as I can’t afford to have a phone disconnect in the middle of an interview. Husband-Head, on the other hand, uses his for very important business – like keeping in touch with his fantasy football league members.



“Whatever we do, I have got to keep the same number,” he informed me before he went upstairs to scope out some new phones. “I need to stay in contact at all times with these guys.”

Hopefully, your phone works better than my sister’s. …

A short time later, he came down and informed me of the options I could and could not have on my phone.

Sprint’s “Family Locator” was one of those on the “no-no” list.

The Family Locator claims that it allows parents to use GPS (a global positioning system that uses satellite-based navigation) technology to locate their children on a map through either an Internet site or through their phone. Parents can see arrival and departures of a location and exactly where they are at any given time. When Husband-Head informed me that I couldn’t have this feature, I immediately wanted it … badly.

“I could tell if you really do go to the gym before work,” I said excitedly. “I could see if you stopped for a beer on the way home from work instead of supposedly ‘working late.’ I could see if …”

“No!” Husband-Head protested. “That would be obnoxious! You do not need to know when I left work or where I am all the time! You can’t stalk me!”

Oh, yes, grasshopper … but I can.

This cell phone feature would be better off marketed as the “The Spouse Locator.”

Because these are the people who need to be watched.

“See what motel your spouse is in … where he or she is buying crack … the back seat of a car … the red light district in your city!” the advertisements would read.

Many celebrity wives would have probably evaded lots of heartache and wondering if they’d had the “Spouse Locator” feature on their phones.

Tiger Woods may not have gotten away with more than a dozen affairs if his wife had been tracking his whereabouts, because he obviously wasn’t on the golf course all of that time. … President Bill Clinton might have foiled the tracking system if he was sitting at his desk exactly where he was supposed to be. If Hilary had the “Locator,” it most likely wouldn’t have detected Monica Lewinsky under the desk.

Latenight TV talk show host David Letterman was probably also where he was supposed to be on the set – just not in his employee’s dressing room. …

Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” didn’t need a “Spouse Locator” device since her husband, Jon, believed that he wouldn’t get caught having an affair even though his every move was under surveillance by cameras in the reality TV show.

Duh.

“Maybe you want a GPS system instead,” Husband-Head suggested, trying to distract me from the whole Family Locator idea.

I don’t know much about GPS, but I did buy one for my sister for Christmas because she is constantly getting lost when she is driving while we’re talking on the phone.

She recently began arguing with someone in the car while we were talking, which concerned me as I knew she was driving by herself.

“Ummm, who are we angry at?” I questioned. “The dashboard? The seat belt?”

“This lady – she told me to take a left and I know it’s on the right!” my sister screamed.

She was arguing with the computer-generated voice on the GPS system. …

Personally, I don’t want to know where anyone is all the time, what’s on their mind or what they’re doing at that particular moment.

Husband-Head can go have a beer after work. I want a phone that will beam me to Tahiti. …

Heidi Rice is a reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her web site at http://www.heidirice.com to read more columns or purchase her book collection of columns, “Skully Says Shut It!”


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