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All I want for Christmas is …

Fried RiceHeidi Rice

“Well, the Christmas shopping rush is on,” Marianne said with a big sigh as we chatted on the phone. “Have you decided what you’re getting husband-head?”That was a no-brainer.”The new SpongeBob SquarePants movie, of course,” I replied immediately. “Next to football, he loves SpongeBob.”Then I realized that because her children are grown, Marianne probably wasn’t real familiar with the yellow, square-shaped sea sponge TV character.”SpongeBob is always up to wacky antics with Squidward the squid and Patrick the starfish at the bottom of the sea, where he lives in a pineapple in Bikini Bottom and works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab diner,” I explained.Marianne was silent for a second.”No offense, sweetie, but what’ve you been smoking?” she finally asked. “You’re making that up, aren’t you?””Nope,” I denied. “Husband-head even has his whole office at work decorated with SpongeBob stuff.””How professional,” Marianne said with amusement.But it makes husband-head pretty easy to shop for – usually one trip to the nearest Toys R Us store will do it.With husband-head taken care of, I went down the list and asked Marianne what she wanted this year.”A long winter’s nap,” she insisted. “I’ve been so busy at work that I can’t even see straight. So either that, or one of those flasks that looks like a cell phone.”I’d never heard of one before.”Wouldn’t people think you were weird if you were always sucking on your cell phone?” I wondered out loud.”I guess,” Marianne agreed. “Or always taking my phone into the bathroom with me … and surely they’d wonder why I was in such a holly, jolly mood afterwards … “But I had a better idea, being that Marianne is the only woman our age I know who owns a pair of thigh-high boots.”What about something from Fredrick’s of Hollywood?” I suggested. “You like that kind of stuff, don’t you?””Are you kidding? I should own stock in the company,” she corrected me.Bingo.My parents, on the other hand, are extremely hard to buy for.”What do you get people who have everything?” I complained to Marianne. “My parents have more STUFF than anyone I know.””Why don’t you give them a grandchild?” she teased. “They’re always bugging you about that, and they certainly don’t have one … “Over my happy hinder.I finished my list and found husband-head later that night hard at work with his own pen and paper.”Are you making a Christmas shopping list?” I inquired. “Because I’ll tell you what I want if you don’t know.””I already know what I’m getting you,” husband-head said decidedly. “A muzzle. But that’s not what I’m doing right now. I’m making my list for Santa Claus.”I grabbed the piece of paper and read the list. It included, of course, the new SpongeBob SquarePants movie, any type of Packers paraphernalia, a beer-making kit, power tools, a remote control toy and at the bottom … the NFL “Weather Babe.””And who, pray tell, is the WEATHER BABE?” I demanded to know.”She’s the hot-looking chick who does the weather on the NFL pre-game show,” husband-head informed me, grabbing his list back. “But I just put that on there to get your goat.”Laughing, he crossed it off his list and wrote something else.”A Spider-Man toothbrush?” I read over his shoulder.”Yup,” husband-head smiled and nodded. “Everyone should have a Spider-Man toothbrush. My dentist even recommends it for healthy teeth and gums!”I patted husband-head on the back and headed off to bed humming “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.””WAIT!” husband-head called after me. “Don’t you want to know what else I want? Don’t you want to tell me what you want?””Not now,” I said with a sigh. “I’m tired. Right now all I want to do is take a big swig off my cell phone … ” Heidi Rice is the Rifle correspondent for the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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