A shoo-in to win gold in the everyday Olympics | PostIndependent.com
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A shoo-in to win gold in the everyday Olympics

April in GlenwoodApril E. ClarkGlenwood Springs, CO Colorado

The Beijing 2008 Olympic Games are here, in full force, with enough victory and defeat to remind me of dating in Colorado.You win some, you lose some.Actually, success in sports and love have a lot in common. Both require communication and dedication. Strengthening and conditioning. Passion and persistence. Whether its a doubles badminton match or a long-term relationship, those qualities, along with teamwork, are key to winning the gold.Personally I prefer platinum.Not like anyones keeping score or anything.Watching the Olympics has inspired me to not only improve as a lover have you seen the beach volleyball guys? but to extend a winning attitude in other areas of my life. The possibilities are endless:1. Tubing, or in Texan-speak, toobing. I imagine myself free-floating down the river on a doughnut with the grace of a U.S. whitewater paddler. Except Id be downriver without a paddle, which is the fun part. There is no wave train I couldnt push through with ease. No Refrigerator Rock I couldnt avoid. No rafter, not even Jono, I couldnt trash talk with before we race to finish first through Horseshoe Bend. Id take Ty Webbs advice from Caddyshack. Sort of. I would be the tube, be the tube … . Oh Id be the toob alright. Just spelled a little differently.2. Glenwood Springs Parks and Recreation co-ed rec-level softball. Forget Jennie Finchs 70 mile-per-hour fast pitch bombs. This is underhand softball taken to the next level. In this league, fingernails and in my case toenails are a commodity. Theres no crying in co-ed Rec-level softball. Even when collisions go down at home plate resulting in the loss of a nail. Or line drives go into the shin and other highly sensitive areas of the male anatomy. Cups, we dont need no stinking cups. Well, I dont really need one. But the females on the team require maximum-support sports bras. Running the bases which well do a lot of when were competing like Olympiads can be hard on the back. At least thats what Ive been told.3. Dancing at The Club (otherwise known as the Roxie). Sure, rhythmic gymnastics takes some serious skill and moves. But who says I cant be judged with high marks on execution, artistry and difficulty after busting out my own choreography to Crank That (Soulja Boy). Especially if I have an apparatus. If I had a choice, mine would be the baton. I so wanted to be the Purdue Golden Girl. But batons are illegal in RG. So maybe I would pick a hoop the older I get, the better I am at jumping through them. Its the dress code I have to watch. Apparently rules on attire are quite stringent. No revealing bra straps. No Harlequin outfits. And disappointingly, no tutus. Darn. Ive been really getting into Italian comedy lately. And pink tulle.4. Slip N Sliding. I admit Im a little rusty in this category. Its been a couple of years since the infamous Lubrication Celebration 06. This epic summer soire involved slipping and sliding into 40 gallons of green gelatin on wet plastic. Playing Crisco Twister on a game board smeared with vegetable oil. And naked trampoline jumping. I kept my clothes on, I promise, Mom. A party of this proportion is like a triathlon. Actually, its nothing at all like a triathlon. But it does combine diving (on a Slip N Slide), gymnastics (to place your right foot on the red circle and left hand on the blue), and trampoline (no explanation necessary). To avoid public nudity, I suggest red, white and blue Spandex outfits for all competitors to make them go faster. Dont forget the racing stripes.Of course I will be sponsored in all of my everyday endeavors. The Olympics have Bud Light. So Ill follow suit and go with Coors Light, a product with a special place in my heart this summer after hanging around all their reps. I know of one particular koozie contraption thats a tubers dream. Not to mention the whitewater rapid-proof plastic bottles with the screw-on caps. Genius.I hardly expect a $90 million endorsement contract from Nike. But if the Oregon-based sports apparel powerhouse could float me a pair of trendy kicks for my Soulja Boy routine at The Club, I would be grateful. Just think what Nike ankle weights could do for my Twister game, too. I would just do it alright. Now thats an Olympic movement.April E. Clark wonders if bargain shopping will ever be an Olympic event. She could go for the gold. Or is it platinum? She can be reached at aclark@postindependent.com.


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