Annoy the one you love! | PostIndependent.com

Annoy the one you love!

Fried RiceHeidi RiceGlenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“You’re just doing that to irritate me,” I accused Husband-Head. “I know what you’re doing and you need to stop it.”Husband-Head just laughed.”What?” he asked innocently and shrugged. “I’m just singing a song.”He knew exactly what he was doing.He had cranked up this particular song to full blast and was singing along to it because he knew it was a tune I detested.In this instance, it happened to be an old 1977 song covered by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, called “Blinded by the Light.”I happen to hate the song and Husband-Head knows that, but I wasn’t going to give in.”Blinded by the light! Racked up like a douche, another roller in the night!” I chimed in at the top of my lungs.Husband-Head looked at me like I was an idiot.”The words are ‘revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night,'” he corrected me.I wasn’t stupid. I knew that, but I also happen to know that it bugs the hell out of him if I sing the wrong lyrics to a song.Other times I’ll belt out tunes I remember from my childhood.”I’m a little TEAPOT!” I’ll sing, with one hand on my hip and the other arm stretched out and leaning over like we used to do in preschool.The annoyance factor really kicks up if I keep singing it over and over and over again.But it’s all part of an ongoing game Husband-Head and I play with each other. After many years of marriage, we have to do something to keep things alive and interesting. Why not annoy the one you love?One of our really annoying favorites is to suddenly yell “PEW!” and walk away from wherever we’re standing. This, of course, freaks the other person out, who instantly pulls their T-shirt protectively over their nose and bolts away from the area.”Oh my GAWD!” the perpetrator will continue. “That’s nasty!””That’s disgusting!” the other will say in a muffled voice from under the T-shirt. “Why did you do that?”This trick is effective whether or not anything has even happened, but is especially fun if muttered under your breath while out in a public place.Then there are the little terms of endearment that are meant only to annoy your loved one’s ears.”Call me later!” I yell out each morning as Husband-Head walks out to the car on his way to work.”Later!” he screams back.If I said “Call me this afternoon!” he’d answer, “This afternoon!”Other endearing expressions meant to annoy the other include a proclamation by each of us that we are the “big toe.””I’m the big toe and I call all the shots!” Husband-Head will say decisively.”No honey, you’re simply a bunyon,” I’ll advise him. “I, on the other hand, am not only the big toe, but the whole foot.”And then speaking of feet, he’ll start in with another endearing expression.”I’ll kick you so hard you’ll wear your a- for a hat!” he’ll yell out.Of course, he is only kidding, but he heard it somewhere and thinks it sounds funny.But probably the best place to play the annoyance game is in the beloved bedroom.For instance, if we’re at the point where the room is real quiet and everyone, including the pets, are just starting to fall asleep – but I can’t for some reason – I’ll fake this really loud snore.”STOP IT!” Husband-Head will yell. “Between you and the dogs snoring, I’ll never get to sleep!”On weekends, opening the blinds to let all the light in the room in order to get his butt up is always a good one as well.But once he’s awake, he’s back in the game.”What are you doing?” I asked on a Saturday morning as he stood in the laundry room with both feet firmly planted on the floor. “Why are you moving your hips around in a rotating motion? It’s not at all sexy, you know.”He wasn’t trying to be. He was dancing along to the rotation cycle of the washing machine.After that, he started in with another song I dislike.”Pressed rat and Warthog had re-opened their shop,” he said in a fake English accent to the old 1968 Cream tune.”PEW!” I screamed in retaliation and ran out of the room.Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.


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