Are you ready for some football?
Husband-head was in an exceptionally good mood ” especially for a Monday.
“Good MORNING!” he greeted the day, bouncing out of bed like a little kid at Christmas.
He patted the dogs on the head, blew me a kiss and skipped into the bathroom to take his shower. I sat at the kitchen table, barely awake with my first cup of coffee and wondered who the hell the man in my bathroom was and what he had done with husband-head.
“Did we have an exceptionally good dream last night?” I asked when he emerged from his shower. “Normally you act like you’re going to a funeral on Monday mornings.”
“Not anymore!” husband-head said gleefully. “Monday Night Football is on again!”
With that, he did a little jig in the kitchen ” butt naked.
“Are you ready for a PAAARRTTYY?” he sang.
I should’ve known. The first clue being when he came home from work recently with little stamp-sized NFL stickers stuck all over the top of his lunch box. The Green Bay Packers, naturally, had top billing right in the middle.
“It can’t be football already,” I protested. “It’s only August! Summer’s not even over … kids haven’t even gone back to school. Football is supposed to start in the fall!”
“Yes, it’s HERE!” he said jubilantly, raising his arms above his head.
That evening, he couldn’t wait to come home and flop on the couch to catch the 6 p.m. preseason game.
“You don’t even like the Dolphins and you HATE the Bears,” I pointed out.
“STIFLE, woman!” he ordered. “It doesn’t matter ” it’s football!”
And, of course, along with the game come the infamous football commercials featuring ads for trucks, tires and tools. And beer. You can’t forget the beer.
The first commercial showed some hunters in the woods, throwing Snickers candy bars at an unsuspecting deer. The deer ran away and next a hiker came tramping through, picked up one of the candy bars and began munching on it.
“It’s only satisfying if you eat it,” the announcer said.
I tried to imagine how that slogan would work in other commercials…
The next ad was, naturally, for a truck.
“A truck with an ulti-track bed system!” husband-head pointed out enthusiastically. “I NEED that!”
“What’s an ulti-track bed system?” I asked curiously.
“Who knows?” husband-head shrugged. “But it’s cool!”
I have long believed that husband-head is a marketing person’s dream.
Then, of course, there was the requisite commercial with the babe. This one featured two guys sitting in sand chairs on the beach, eyeballing a chick.
“Nice, very nice …” the first one said, staring at the buxom blonde in a black bikini as the camera zoomed in on her top.
“Do you think they’re …?” the second one started.
The blonde looked over and smiled at the guys.
“OK, yeah … they’re plastic … but they’re SPECTACULAR,” she purred.
With that, she pulled two cans of Coors Light out of her cooler, leaned over and handed it to them.
“Wow, they’re even bigger up close …” the first guy said in awe as he inspected the new plastic beer bottles.
Clearly, the Snickers slogan would not have worked in that commercial …
But once again, the marketing strategy had worked and husband-head asked me to get him a beer. At least he was smart enough not to ask for a blonde.
Hours later, when the football game was over, I was relieved to think that at least there wouldn’t be another one until the following week.
“Oh NO,” husband-head laughed sadistically. “This is pre-season and there’s 55 games on this year! There’s more on Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. And then AGAIN on Monday night!”
He then did his funny little-kid clap where he turns his hands and slaps both palms together.
And with that, he patted the dogs on the head, blew me a kiss and skipped off to bed …
Heidi Rice is a Rifle correspondent for the Post Independent. Her column appears every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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After opposing Proposition 114, the 2020 wolf reintroduction initiative that passed by a whopping 1%, I had reservations about dressing down another budding ballot measure.