Breaking up (with Mike) is hard to do
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
“That’s it ” I’m breaking up with Mike,” Husband-Head announced on a Sunday morning while we laid in bed.
I was silent because I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
“Ummm … I’m sorry to hear that?” or “Do you think he’ll take it OK?” or then something more direct like “Who in the HELL is MIKE?”
“Then I’m breaking up with him, too,” I decided to say, trying to be a good wife and stand by my man.
But it turned out that the “Mike” he was referring to happens to be the name of one of Husband-Head’s favorite adult beverages ” “Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”
Husband-Head discovered this particular beverage a few years ago at the local liquor store.
“Mike’s” offers a variety of different flavored beverages that ” along with the hard lemonade ” include hard cranberry, lime, berry, pomegranate and tea, which are also available in “light” forms,” the Mike’s Hard Lemonade Co. website informs. There are also a number of malt cocktails that include other flavors that include a “cran-tini” (sounds like a bathing suit), lemon drop (a childhood candy), screw driver (something we all got very sick on as teenagers) and a “Mike-arita,” which boasts an 8 percent alcohol content.
But Husband-Head’s favorite is the “Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade,” which he typically consumes while watering the front lawn during the spring and summer months.
And these (true!) advertising slogans for this drink encourage a manly man to make this his drink of preference, especially since the word “hard” is in nearly all of them.
– “A hard Mike’s is good to find!”
Or John, or Jim, or Jeff, or Steve …
– “Mike’s is hard. So is prison. Don’t drive drunk.”
Because there is no Mike’s in jail.
– “Hard times are some of the best times.”
As long as we’re not talking about money and your bank account. …
– (On the 24 oz. lemonade) Bigger isn’t always better ” except for right now.”
– “Spanked then squeezed …”
Yeah, after several Mike’s …
– “Mike’s: Turning the hard times into good times.”
Recession? What recession? Hey whaddaya say we …
– “In a world gone soft, someone’s got to be hard.”
We must perpetuate the human race!
– (On the delivery trucks) Stop only for lemons, then slowly run them over. …
This one, of course, could be modified and used for a number of objects encountered while driving, including employees from the IRS. …
But Husband-Head, who is not a big drinker, loved the new beverage.
“These things are so good!” he proclaimed, while opening up yet another one as he sat in the rocker on the front porch after work. “They go down just like lemonade!”
However, there is, apparently, a small difference between “Mike’s” lemonade and the concoction your grandmother made you ” namely the way you feel the next morning.
“Mike is evil,” Husband-Head said, pulling the comforter over his entire body. “Mike is not nice. I feel like doogie-doo.”
“Perhaps you are only supposed to have one or two at a sitting, not the entire six-pack,” I gently suggested.
So, true to his word, Husband-Head broke up with Mike ” at least for the time being.
But not that he quit enjoying his cocktails altogether.
I was working on my computer when I received an e-mail from Husband-Head.
“There’s this cool thing on craigslist,” he wrote. “Check it out.”
Usually, it’s on eBay, so I was a little curious as to what he’d found on craigslist. I was also wondering who the hell “Craig” was and why he started a list. But apparently it’s a venue that allows you to put all kinds of things on there, including classified items for sale, etc.
The one Husband-Head forwarded to me was an advertisement for a “kegerator” for $250, which he was going to buy.
Apparently a kegerator is a device that contains and dispenses a keg of beer. Husband-Head may have broken up with Mike, but he had a new relationship with Bud Light in a keg.
On top of it, he presented me with a little plaque and a quote by Frank Sinatra.
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
But as the summer goes on, I have a feeling that Husband-Head and Mike are going to make up again. …
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Her book collection of columns, “Skully Says SHUT IT!” is available for purchase at the Post Independent or through her website at http://www.heidirice.com.
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