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Byline Burton

Lynn Burton

What role did Conan play at Carbondale’s Mountain Fair?

What stunt did the Carbondale cops pull off not once, but twice?

If you don’t know the answer to those two Mountain Fair trivia questions, take a few minutes to play along.

1. The Carbondale Mountain Fair used to end with:

A. A bang

B. A wet T-shirt contest

C. The mayor being forced on stage to sing “Mammy.”

D. A slide show.

2. Politicians aren’t allowed to do what in Sopris Park:

A. The Boogaloo.

B. The Funky Chicken

C. Kiss babies.

D. Hand out campaign material.

3. The fire district used to haul out one of its hoses to:

A. Soak the sweaty crowd in front of the stage.

B. Beat hippies with it.

C. Beat hippies and drunks with it.

D. Wrap people in it, then spin them like a top.

4. If you’re planning to be in the park all day, you should bring:

A. Plenty of money and sun screen.

B. A backpack with poncho, water and towel.

C. An iguana to guard your stuff while you’re off buying a gyro.

D. All of the above.

5. Which of the following things are not allowed in the park:

A. Dogs

B. Glass bottles.

C. Texans.

D. Insane zombies.

6. Every year until the early 1980s, volunteers would construct:

A. A shrine to Jerry Garcia.

B. Rustic outhouses.

C. A makeshift jail.

D. A stage for the bands.

7. One year, a Carbondale trustee stole the Mountain Fire director’s:

A. Underwear.

B. Hat.

C. Wife.

D. Golf cart.

8. Who was Conan?

A. A nut brown, male belly dancer who writhed like a sex-starved snake and drove the women wild. He might have even been of Middle East descent, or maybe he was just an Italian.

B. A guy who hawked eight-track tapes out of his Volkswagen on Weant.

C. A barbarian who ventured down from Marble for a few years.

D. The first guy to swim the entire length of the park ditch.

9. Former Playboy Playmate Barbie Benton drove down from Aspen one year and did what:

A. Smiled at the crowd.

B. Volunteered to direct traffic on Main Street.

C. Told everyone she enjoys the fair.

D. Entered the Mt. Sopris Runoff.

10. Hardcore fair goers know the fair starts:

A. In downtown Carbondale Thursday night, when fair bands sometimes turn up at the local bars.

B. With a secret drum circle behind the middle school Friday at noon.

C. At 4:30 p.m. on Friday.

D. On time.

11. Which bands got big after they played Mountain Fair.

A. String Cheese Incident.

B. Leftover Salmon.

C. Robot Luggage.

D. A and B.

12. For you old Boulder folks, which bands played Mountain Fair.

A. Dusty Drapes and the Dusters.

B. Washboard Chaz and Barbecue Bob.

C. 60,000,000 Buffalo.

D. Zepher.

13. Which of the following never happened at the fair.

A. A Russian weight lifter once climbed on stage and jerked 300 pounds over his head.

B. A skinny hippie crawled on stage during a Howard Berkman set, and hurled a green Frisbee all the way to the flag pole at the other side of the park.

C. A magician from New Jersey sawed a woman in half on the stage, and several people fainted.

D. The Carbondale police got up on stage two consecutive years and sang a Hoyt Axton song, and a song that nobody can remember, although some remember it had a verse about police catching speeders, and the late Joe Brothers wore a wide-brimmed Mexican sombrero.

14. One year, the pie and cake judges were a bit miffed that:

A. Their tent was positioned really close to the portable toilets.

B. Julia Child declined their invitation to attend.

C. A skunk ran under a table.

D. They ran out of champagne.

15. Three or four years ago, a blue-green fireball danced along the power lines on the west side of the park for a split second before exploding with a loud bang. Witnesses described the fire ball as looking like:

A. Van Gogh’s “Starry Night.”

B. The second coming of Christ.

C. A twisty, tornado like swirl of intense heat and blinding light.

D. All of the above.

16. After the fireball, the entire town was plunged into:

A. Complete darkness.

B. Complete euphoria.

C. The John M. Fleet swimming pool.

D. Deep depression.

17. During Mountain Fair, some town residents:

A. Spend the entire weekend wandering City Market where they mutter, “I liked it better when there were only 14 people at the fair, and everybody knew each other.”

B. Head to the Flat Tops.

C. Continue to watch TV and drink beer in their underwear.

D. Keep hoping for another fireball, or some such unexpected excitement.

18. True or false: Bull riding is the fair’s most popular spectator event.

19 . The most important feature in Sopris Park is:

A. The irrigation ditch that kids love to play in.

B. The row of tall trees along the irrigation ditch that throws welcome shade about 200 feet into the park before the sun finally goes down.

C. The water spigot at the picnic pavilion.

D. All of the above.

20. Which media outlet will broadcast live from Sopris Park.

A. KDNK.

B. CNN.

C. The BBC.

D. All of the above.

Here are the answers: D, D, A, D, A and B, D, D, A, D, A, A and B, A and B, A and B and C, A, D, A, B, False (bull riding is the Garfield County Fair’s most popular spectator event), D, A.

If you answered A to three more questions, congratulations. If not, take the test again. See you at the fair.

Lynn Burton is a staff writer for the Post Independent.


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