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Cell-ing out to technology

I never knew technology would get the best of me – until I lost my cell phone this week.The separation anxiety I’ve experienced has me feeling as lost as my grandparents at an Insane Clown Posse concert.And I thought the clown doll in “Poltergeist” was one scary jester.Actually, the stripper at my friend’s bachelorette party dressed as a clown was much more frightening than any ICP member. He came to the door with a curly head of hair that my friend Megan tugged on and asked, “Is this real?”No, his ‘do was not a wig made of kinky synthetic red hair.Yes, the 10-inch scar that ran vertically down his chest – originating from a knife fight of some sort – was the real deal.Clown strippers are scary.Like a half-naked male exotic entertainer giving my mom a lap dance, losing my cell phone is cause for sleepless nights, too.Thursday night, I dreamt I was floating down a cold, icy river in an innertube. A dream like that is disturbing because I’m a rafter and the pecking order of river transportation leaves the innertube dead last.Or is it the kayak?I’m not much of a fan of cold, icy water either – unless I’m using it to make red and green Jell-O shots for a Christmas party.A word of advice: as tempting as it sounds, only use a 12 cup of liquor instead of a cup when making Jell-O shots. They turn a little soupy otherwise, trust me.My roommate, Susan, took a stab at interpreting the innertube-on-an-icy-river dream to mean I am unprepared and feel vulnerable.Little did she know I hadn’t even done my laundry or packed for my trip home today.She might as well read me my horoscope on Friday, which said I need to “use my imagination to clear out some last-minute projects or errands.”OK, let’s see. I’m still not done with my Christmas shopping, just two days out. And I don’t have my cell phone with all my numbers. Plus I’ll be traveling back to Indy.My horoscope also said I’m supposed to think positively.The only good that can come of this is no one can bother me while I do my last-minute shopping.The cell phone loss has forced me to re-evaluate how much I truly count on my cell phone. I depend on that darn piece of plastic like a four-toed sloth depends on opposable thumbs.I feel like I’m missing a digit or my gall bladder – but oh wait, I already am. I’m suffering from ghost pains as I deal with the loss of a part of me that’s not exactly necessary, but nice to have around.The gall bladder stores bile. My cell phone stores photos of my friend Taryne at Mountain Fair with her face painted like Gene Simmons from KISS.Coincidence?I don’t think so.Maybe I don’t need my cell phone, after all. Just think, I could get so many more things done because I wouldn’t have to talk or text message people all the time.But then I wouldn’t be able to use my camera phone to document friends accepting $20 bets to paint their faces like KISS at outdoor festivals.Plus I couldn’t easily find my grandparents at an ICP show.Grandpa, can you hear me now?April E. Clark will have a pocket full of quarters as she travels back home to Indiana in case she is forced to use a pay phone for the first time since 1998. She can be reached at 945-8515 ext. 518 and clark@postindependent.com


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