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Cell phones: lightweight, compact and pornable

Whenever things don’t go right in my life, I blame karma.When life goes extremely well, I thank my mom.I don’t practice Hinduism or Buddhism – and I know there’s a difference between how karma is perceived in both religions – but I still jibe with the idea of karma. By dictionary.com’s definition, karma is “the total effect of a person’s actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person’s existence, regarded as determining the person’s destiny.”Basically, act like a jerk and a bag of burning dog doo ends up on your doorstep at any given moment. Act nice and the world is your steamed oyster, complete with a few shakes of Tabasco and a saltine cracker from which to slurp it down.That being nice part is easier said than done.Last month, I opened my cell phone bill to discover $170 in charges. Keep in mind, I have a $39.99 plan and rarely go over minutes or my text-message limit. I’m probably the slowest text-messager in the universe, so the novelty of it has worn off faster than my eye makeup after watching “Rudy.”That little guy gets me every time.I must’ve been a real jerk at one time in my life because there were multiple downloads made on my phone on March 29, unbeknownst to me. They were made the day after I misplaced my phone on Fat Tuesday night. I set it down for one minute, then it was gone. And whoever had or has it took it upon themselves to download porn.Yes, there’s porno for people on the go.Apparently cell phones are the newest, more convenient way to get your mobile jollies. Alexander Graham Bell is probably rolling over in his grave right now.Forget picking your nose at those boring ol’ stoplights. Now there’s something sleazier.Cell-phone porn is a pervert’s dream come true. A recent article on techdirt.com on “Sex With Your Mobile Phone” revealed that 20 percent of all mobile search queries are for adult content.And I thought sex with your mobile phone was only for sickos.After a call to Cingular I found out that first of all, I would be incurring most of the cost for the person flagrantly using my phone as a PDAA (personal digital arousal assistant). I had failed to report the missing phone before the jerk who possessed it did his dastardly deed.That’s some bad, very bad, karma for those keeping track.When I asked the customer service representative to list off the details about the downloads – all made on the same day – it sounded like the nominees for the Adult Video News awards, the Oscars of the pornography industry.Or tracks on a “Best of Prince” album.”Naughty Girls,” “Hot Chicks in Compromising Positions,” the list went on and on. I received a $28 credit, but that didn’t cover all the download charges and the additional $25 Internet fee.Mobile porn is not cheap, my friends. Beware of all those hidden charges the next time you get the urge to … well, you know.I suppose this minor setback in my budget is ultimately what I get for not hooking my cell phone to my belt loop as my mother suggested. They didn’t send me that little leather strap for looks, I’m sure she’s thinking right now. Of course, I’m a little too stubborn to always listen to my mother.There’s a saying that bad things always happen to good people, which totally blows the karma idea out of the water. But people downloading porn on my phone makes me wonder, “Have I really been a jerk to people?”Disgruntled ex-boyfriends, don’t answer that.Like my mom, who is probably the nicest person on the planet, I always thought I was a little too nice to people. Sometimes they’ve walked all over me like Nancy Sinatra’s boots. But I’ve done some walking too, and this year I get my comeuppance in the form of downloaded porn on my cell phone and a particularly heinous tax filing.All I can do is be nice for now and in the future, and karma will be on my side again soon.My mom’s really pulling for me.April E. Clark wonders how karma treats one who finds (or steals) a cell phone, never turns it in to lost and found, and downloads a lot of porn at her expense. Something like Montezuma’s revenge during a camping trip comes to mind.


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