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Don’t let the husband-head bite

Fried RiceHeidi RiceGlenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“If we’re going to do this, it has to be hard and firm,” I said adamantly to husband-head from my side of the bed. “It’s definitely more enjoyable that way.”Husband-head disagreed.”Nope, it can be a little soft with some give to it,” he insisted from his side. “That’s how I like it.”It was the big debate on what we wanted in a new bed.For more than seven years, we’ve been sleeping on the same old king-sized mattress and box spring, which was given to us by some close friends who knew we were looking for another bed.There was nothing wrong with our old bed – which we had gotten as a wedding gift – except that it was only a queen-size and our two yellow Labs had decided that they would sleep in the bed with us and there was clearly not enough room to fit four 100-plus pound bodies.So the offer of a free king-sized bed sounded great. And at first, we were excited about the extra room the larger bed offered – at first.But lately, we have been waking up feeling like we were crippled because of our excruciating back pain.We decided that our choices were either a new bed or a matching set of wheelchairs.”Remember when a romantic evening involved some really cool body oil?” I asked husband-head the other evening as we took turns rubbing the lower part of each other’s backs. “I never thought I’d be so excited about the smell of Ben-Gay.”So we made the conscious decision to buy a new bed.”There’s, like, three million different kinds,” I told husband-head after perusing the Internet. “How do we know which kind we want?”Husband-head was silent as he thought.”Well, duh, you lay on them and try them out,” he explained simply. “Then you decide which one feels the best.”My biggest fear was that I’d get on one of the beds, fall asleep … and then, God forbid, fall asleep and snore.Our other problem is that husband-head and I like different covers.I was imagining very expensive down featherbeds like they have in Europe where you sleep on the bottom sheet and have this luxurious comforter on top of you.Husband-head, on the other hand, actually prefers the Wal-Mart special on sale.”No, absolutely not,” I insisted. “I’m not spending a thousand dollars on a bed and then putting some cheesy bedding on it. I want to sleep as if I’m in an authentic Austrian inn.””Yodel-lay-hee-hoo!” husband-head cried out. “Heidi, would you like me to go find Peter and the goat to round out your experience?”I waited for him to start humming “The Hills Are Alive …”But it was clear that we weren’t into a) the same type of bed or b) the same type of covers on the bed.”Maybe we should just have separate single beds,” I ventured, not sure whether this was a very bad sign in a marriage or not. “That way you could have your choice of blankets and covers and I could have mine.””Well, you know, they had separate beds on the Dick Van Dyke Show,” husband-head admitted. “It was all the rage in the 1950’s and I heard it’s a trend that’s coming back.”The idea actually sounded kind of good.”BUT,” husband-head went on to clarify. “There would be conjugal visits allowed.”I could see the next argument would be WHOSE bed would host those little meetings.”I would just go back to my nice, clean bed,” husband-head summed up, looking awfully pleased with his idea.Which then brought up the issue of where the dogs would sleep.”If I have to host the conjugal visits, then you have to let the dogs sleep with you,” I said, chuckling behind my hand like a little Geisha girl. “Paybacks are a bitch.”Who knows what we’ll end up with.It could be bunk beds, but that’s a little impersonal besides the fun of being the one on the bottom who gets to kick the person on the upper mattress.Actually, I think we’ll end up getting a brand new king-sized bed and the four of us will again fight for bed space.They may take a lot of room, but I love ’em.Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday in the Post. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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