By 5 in the morning on Wednesday, this columnist had still not written the first sentence of his toughly worded 2-page report that he will deliver as a column for the public portion of Thursday’s commentary page. He spent all night listening to the reactions to President Bush’s State of the Union address trying to understand what the heck is going on.
At 5:01 a.m., a top Fudd advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity, summed up the speech in one concise sentence, “We’re gonna give some money to the rich and go to war.”
Since this columnist couldn’t have said it better, he will change the subject.
As war talks have been intensifying, this columnist has spent more and more time jogging around Silt Mesa and the Hogback. Psychological studies indicate that jogging can help alleviate stress and anxiety. After putting in over 100 miles last week, this columnist has instead found himself more stressed and more willing to adopt a presidential attitude toward increasing terroristic threats on Silt Mesa.
The world has waited years for Silt Mesa residents to disarm their vicious dogs. After a long history of reckless aggression by untethered dogs, this columnist has been pushed to the brink of war. Crucial hours lie ahead as vicious dog inspectors turn up hard evidence of mongrels of minimum destruction.
After getting attacked nine times in the past month, this columnist is in the last phase of a potential showdown between coalition joggers and the Axis of Evil Dogowners.
“I’ve been stockpiling weapons of minimum destruction,” said Fudd. These dogs represent a serious and mounting threat to my friends and loved ones, and we will fight with the full force of sticks and stones and not hesitate to use our chemical weapon known as pepper spray.”
The Axis of Evil Dogowners have not responded to this columnist’s allegations since they never appear to be home when their dogs attack him in the street. Perhaps they’re just being evasive, hiding in dark corners while their dogs terrorize innocent civilians, but there is a direct link between these owners and the teeth-gnashing terrorists.
“I want to find a peaceful solution,” said Fudd.
Bernie’s challenge in persuading the public of the need for war with the Axis of Evil Dogowners was underlined in recent polls. Half of the two people responding to questions in a poll said, “I wonder if my dog does that?” The other fifty percent said Fudd has not yet explained clearly what is at stake to justify doggie war.
Opposition will probably occur from dog owners who don’t want joggers throwing rocks at their dog even after it attacks them in the street and retreats onto private property. And pre-emptive strikes could have serious implications unless the Axis of Evil Dogowners accepts this warning and removes their mongrels of minimum destruction from the public roads.
The chief of staff in a not-so-white house identified several prime suspects linked to the Axis of Evil Dogs. A medium-sized black shepherd mix responsible for four attacks. A large chocolate lab responsible for two attacks. A white german shepherd and a dingo mix responsible for two attacks each. A large, older black lab responsible for one extremely aggressive attack. Two golden retrievers responsible for one mild attack on me and another aggressive attack on a neighbor and his dog. A dingo and a mutt together, one attack. Two reddish weimaraners, two attacks. One very large, white sheep dog, one attack. One gray and black great dane, two attacks. Another large, older model black lab, one attack. One black border collie mix, one attack.
All of the attacks listed here occurred within the past year in the Silt Mesa area. This columnist defines an attack as getting bitten, having clothing torn, or being pursued and forced into a standoff because the dog is growling, barking, or snapping at the columnist on a public street.
Numerous other dog owners allow their dogs to run in the streets and/or chase wildlife on the BLM and private property. There’s a young black lab with a red collar and two coon dogs that this columnist has seen chasing deer on his land.
The Fudd Administration is hoping that war can be avoided. He is hoping that the tax cuts for the rich will help create jobs for animal control officers on Silt Mesa. He also said he is willing to act by himself. “Dog owners should anticipate that this columnist will use whatever means necessary to protect himself and others from being terrorized by the Axis of Evil Dogs.”
My own opinion survey shows most Americans believe Bernie just made his case.
Silt resident Bernie Boettcher’s column runs every other Thursday.
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