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Fudd

Bernie Boettcher

Dis veek, I vaunt to talk to yew about fat.

Do yew vaunt to lose yoor blubbair, fat boy? Den eat less und exairsize more yew yelly roll, yew. Vee haff bin conducting experiments here at de kamp und vee have discovered dat ven yew eat less und exairsize more, yew vill be losing doze unvaunted pounds kvick. Und I do mean kvick as in schnell, yew swollen moose, yew.

Ven vuz de last time yew had any exairsize, strudel boy? Put down doze cookies und giff me tventy push-ups right now. Enda vun . enda two . enda tree . How duz dat cookie taste now, yew bloated armadillo, yew? Only a veekling vould schtop before he compleetz tventy push-ups. Don’t schtop, yew bucket of butter, yew.

Now roll ovair, Schamoo, und giff me tventy sit-ups.

Enda vun . enda two . enda tree ., let’s see how fit vee can be,

Enda four . enda fife . enda sex ., keep de hands on de back of de necks,

Enda seven . enda ate . enda nine ., bild it up, break it down, redefine,

Enda ten . enda leven . end tvelve ., leef dat fat on de shelve,

Enda sirteen . enda fourteen . enda fifteen ., make dis an everyday roo-teen,

Enda sexteen . enda seventeen . enda a-teen ., put dat fat in da quarantine,

Enda nineteen . enda tventy, der ya go. Give dat fat a big heave-ho.

Ven yew haff feenished de sit-ups, it vill be time to be running. Put on doze running shooz und run, bulky boy. De huffin’ und de puffin’ vill undercut de blubber-butt. Yew vill see de sweat melting de pounds avay like marshmallows in de furnace. De lumpy layers vill be leepin’ frum de lard in no time. Yew vill be happy. Run now, bumpy butt, be happy.

I vaunt for vew today to practiss de hills. Vee vill qo to de mountain und vee vill run up de hill. Den vee vill run back down de hill und den run back up de hill, tventy times. Begin.

Enda vun . enda two . enda tree ., lose de chains of fat en be free,

Enda four . enda fife . enda sex ., make doze running muscles flex,

Enda seven . enda ate . enda nine ., up ‘n’ down, lookin’ good, feelin’ fine,

Enda ten . enda leven . enda tvelf ., for da good, for da health, for da self,

Enda sirteen . enda fourteen . enda fifteen ., bouncin back and forth like a trampoline,

Enda sexteen . enda seventeen . enda a-teen ., burn da fat like it’s made outta gasoline,

Enda nineteen . enda tventy, do yew know? I knew you could do it long ago.

Und now vee rest for vun minute . OK, time’s up. Vee must be schwimming now. Put on de goggles mein little flounder und vee vill be making de laps in de pool. Don’t vorry, I vill be helping yew, my little chunky monkey, yew. Ok, tventy laps . begin!

Enda vun . enda two . enda tree ., schwim like da fishees in da sea,

Enda four . enda fife . enda sex ., work doze abs und da pecs,

Enda seven . enda ate . enda nine ., schwimmin’ in da bright sunshine,

Enda ten . enda leven . enda tvelf.., yew got to do it all yourself,

Enda sirteen . enda fourteen . enda fifteen ., now, hold your breath like a submarine,

Enda sexteen . enda seventeen . enda a-teen ., schwim like a sardine not a Holstein,

Enda nineteen . enda tventy, take a break. Now schwim to da end uv da lake.

Ven yew get to da land on dat side, it vill be time for sumsing special, yew saturated side of steak, yew. Dis vill be da part dat yew vill like cuz now it vill be da time to ride da bike. Put on da helmut first, den tventy miles. Ride, lumpy lad, ride.

Enda vun . enda two . enda tree ., pedal like a pa-ro-lee,

Enda four . enda fife . enda sex ., cut thru da wind, spandex,

Enda seven . enda ate . enda nine ., listen to da aero-wheels whine,

Enda ten . enda leven . enda tvelf ., trophy is on-da-mantelshelf,

Enda sirteen . enda fourteen . enda fifteen ., fired like a shot from a carbine,

Enda sexteen . enda seventeen . enda a-teen ., ridin’ down da road like a ma-sheen.

Enda nineteen . enda tventy, dat’s a start. Now vee check upon your heart.

Vumpita-bumpita-bump, vumpita-bumpita-bump . Dat is good. Ven de exairsize makes da heart go “bumpita-bump,” dat is good. Ven de exairsize makes dat heart go bumpita-bump 185 times in vun minute, relax for vun minute, yew artery paste, yew.

OK, time’s up. Do tventy pull-ups, yew beefy bulldog. Begin. Enda vun . enda two . enda tree ., pull like a dee-vor-see .

Tventy-fife (25) percent of Americans are considered to be obese. If you’re fat and happy, ignore this column. If you are trying to lose some weight, feel free to borrow this little voice inside my head that has often stopped me from eating more than 24 servings of chocolate chip cookies in one sitting.

Commissarishly,

Binge-lite Bernie

Bernie Boettcher’s column runs every other Thursday in the Post Independent. Bernie runs much more often than that.


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