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Fudd

Bernie Boettcher

Eventually, everything turns to Silt.

I learned two things in Silt this past week. (1) The keys to the city can be used to peel paint. (2) If you don’t check your car battery fluid level for a few years and the battery runs dry, gases will build up inside the battery and the battery will explode with a bang and spew sulphuric acid all over your car engine and you will be stranded in Silt, the Copshop Capital of Garfield County, and you will have to push your car to a safe location and run down the street to the auto repair shop before it closes and purchase a 75 dollar battery with your credit card and run back to your car with the 20-pound battery and install it and then drive to somewhere safer to wash the car engine with water and baking soda to remove the acid that will eat holes in everything it touches and your girlfriend will laugh at you and say, “Even I know you’re supposed to check your battery fluid,” and you will lose several precious hours on the day that you were supposed to be writing a column and you will have to stay up all night to finish it even though you want to toss the whole thing out the window.

Relax, take a deep breath. Let’s put these micromutations into perspective. Let’s play a little game called Macrocosm Moments. It’s so easy to get tangled up in our own little worlds that we forget to look at the big picture. If you’re so stressed that you feel the need to scalp the pigments off of someone else’s automobile or if you’re thinking of committing acts of defenestration, playing Macrocosm Moments (MM) will help soothe your savage beast.

MM I – At this very moment, in the jungly cover of the Serengeti, a lounging leopard just raised his head. A herd of gazelles is moving toward a water hole. Two cow elephants and their calves are squirting and splashing themselves. A flock of sandgrouse just circled the scene and landed on the branches of an acacia tree.

MM II – At this very moment, a sea turtle is gliding effortlessly over the white sands of a tropical lagoon.

MM III – At this very moment, on the summit of Mount Everest, a flag is fluttering in the wind.

MM IV – At this very moment, on the Oregon coast, a lighthouse is blinking. A harbor seal is probing the depths of a rocky outcropping looking for fish.

MM V – At this very moment, someone is taking an elevator to the top floor of the Empire State Building. Someone just bought a Coney Island hot dog. Someone just saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time.

MM VI – At this very moment, a whale just breached the surface of an arctic bay.

MM VII – At this very moment, cruising at 25,000 feet above sea level, a planeload of passengers are watching a movie.

MM VIII – At this very moment, Delicate Arch is casting a shadow on the sandstone formation below. A raven perched on a nearby rock, takes flight and sails across the canyon. A mountain biker is unloading his brand new, full-suspension bike.

MM IX – At this very moment, a blonde-haired person is having fun, more fun than you.

MM X – At this very moment, in the south China sea, a sailing vessel just changed direction. A salty breeze fills the sails as the captain squints at the horizon. He’s smiling.

MM XI – At this very moment, a small beetle just climbed to the top of a dune in the Sahara desert. A camel is walking across the valley below.

MM XII – At this very moment, a cloud just passed across the face of the Matterhorn.

MM XIII – At this very moment, a penguin jumped off of an iceberg into the Pacific ocean. Steam is rising from a cup of coffee on the Ross Ice Shelf. Someone is having a glass of wine.

MM XIV – At this very moment, someone is riding a mule in the Grand Canyon. A group of rafters are drifting on calm waters. A cactus is blooming.

MM XV – At this very moment, pigeons and people are milling about the walkways of Venice. Two lovers are taking a gondola ride. A man is eating a vanilla ice cream cone.

MM XVI – At this very moment, a feather is falling, floating, drifting back to earth.

MM XVII – At this very moment, a manta ray is riding the warm currents over a coral reef formation. A starfish is clinging to a rock. The sun is shining.

MM XVIII – At this very moment, stars are twinkling.

MM XIX – At this very moment, a dog just caught a frisbee in midair.

MM XX – At this very moment, _________ (fill in the blank).

Do you feel relaxed? Good.

I hope you enjoyed playing Macrocosm Moments. If you’re still a little keyed up, keep playing, and remember, eventually everything turns to Silt.

Silt and Battery-ishly,

Bernie

Silt resident Bernie Boettcher’s column runs every other Thursday in the Post Independent.


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