Have yourself a selfish little Christmas …
“OK, let’s just get this out of the way,” I announced to husband-head the other evening as I was going over my gift list. “WHAT do you want for Christmas?”Naturally, I expected the “two front teeth” answer or a similar smart-aleck remark, but I really needed to know the truth.”Nothing,” husband-head shrugged and then held up his hand. “I really don’t need anything – except maybe another beer.”However, it seems to me that when an item is purchased and consumed on a regular basis, it no longer qualifies as a “gift” – it becomes a staple on the grocery list.I could see that I wasn’t going to get much help, so I decided I would just have to think of a gift for husband-head on my own.
There are typically two types of gift-givers – those who give you something they think you would like and those who give you things THEY would like. And let’s just say the latter is not usually a big hit.So, because I wasn’t getting much help from husband-head on what would be a thoughtful and exciting gift, I was left to my own devices.My own devices would have gotten him something he constantly needs, like underwear and socks. Those who grew up in my era will remember their mothers constantly warning not to wear ratty underwear or anything held together with safety pins “in case you’re in an accident.”I have always hoped that if I was in an accident that required someone to see my underwear they would be focusing more on, say, stopping the bleeding or administering CPR.But let’s face it – underwear and socks – no matter how badly they are needed – are not very exciting Christmas presents. So I decided to go to my old standby when trying to pick out gifts for husband-head.NFL.com.I can’t go wrong with this website. There’s nothing on it that my football fanatic husband-head wouldn’t like. Alright, they don’t have a “Skully,” but they have everything else.So when the NFL sent an e-mail touting “Unique Gifts for the Special Football Fan” and advertising an auction for several different gifts, I had to check it out.
The Miami Dolphins had several options to bid on including allowing an amateur photographer to shoot the game from the sidelines. This was clearly not a popular idea as there was only one bidder for the $400 starting bid. A Game Day experience where the winning bidder would be able to stand on the sidelines and watch the Dolphins warm up at a sideline seat wasn’t much better at $400 with two bids.My favorite was the “Stand In the Cheerleading Introduction Line” auction, which had absolutely no bids for $400. “Have you ever wanted to be part of the action on the field at Dolphin Stadium?” the description asks. “How about standing in line next to the cheerleaders while you root the Dolphins on as they run through the tunnel?”I could not imagine husband-head – or any of his friends – wanting to be filmed on television standing with a bunch of cheerleaders while the team comes out. I could, however, imagine husband-head and ALL of his friends, wanting to hang with the cheerleaders after the game off camera.But since husband-head is a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan anyway, none of those options looked liked something he’d want.So I moved on to Packer paraphernalia and found a “Proline Helmet” signed by Brandon Jackson with 15 bids for $156.25 and a “mini helmet” signed by Marco Rivera with 8 bids for $61.Being that I had no idea who was who or what they did, I called husband-head at work.
“Who is Brandon Jackson?” I asked nonchalantly. “He’s a rookie running back for the Packers, but he hasn’t done much. … WHY?” husband-head demanded to know.”And who is Marco Rivera?” I continued.”He’s a lineman, but I don’t think he plays anymore,” husband-head responded. “WHY do you need to know this stuff? What are you DOING?””Nothing. I have dates with them and I wanted to know their backgrounds,” I lied.In the end, I decided to forego football gifts and just get husband-head stuff that I liked.Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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