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Husband-head has the house all to himself

“Is it THURSDAY yet?” husband-head asked with excitement, doing his best not to jump up and down like the Jack McFarland character in the TV show “Will and Grace.”Typically, everyone looks forward to Fridays, but husband-head had a reason to get all jazzed up about this particular day.”No, it’s only Tuesday,” I sighed. “But I know why you’re so excited about Thursday.”It was because that was the day I was taking off for a few days to go to California and visit some old friends while husband-head was going to have the house to himself.”I have football drafts all weekend!” husband-head cried out, clapping his hands like a little kid. “This is going to be great!”Which essentially translated into “There will be no wife around to bug me while I make my picks!”I tried to show the same enthusiasm.”Yes! You can take a big bowl of Beefaroni down into the basement and do your stupid football thing on the computer all weekend!” I agreed, also clapping my hands. “I just hope you remember to brush your teeth and change your underwear!”Actually, I had tried to make things easier for husband-head by preparing the house for him while I was gone.The pantry and the refrigerator were stocked with bachelor guy essentials such as hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, Ramen noodles, Beefaroni and frozen pizza.I even made chocolate-chip cookies, buffalo chicken strips and ranch and bacon pasta salad to round out the off-the-chart carbohydrate menu.”You’ll be bouncing off the walls, honey!” I informed him as I wrapped the last of the food preparations. “You’re gonna have to strap yourself into your chair at the computer!”But it was the pets and the house I was most worried about.”You do remember how to take care of everything, don’t you?” I asked husband-head on a more serious note.”Ummm … you better show me again,” he admitted.I pointed out the various key players and places in our home.”These are the dogs,” I said, pointing to the Labs. “They pretty much expect you to fulfill their basic needs of food and water. Petting and affection are also appreciated.”I then gave explicit instructions as to the feeding and care of the canines.”Oh, and we have a cat,” I informed husband-head. “She’s kind of mean, but in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve had her for about nine years.”I showed husband-head her dish and where her food was kept, but decided to forgo the litter box instructions as I knew THAT wasn’t going to happen.”She pretty much expects you to fill her basic needs of food and water,” I explained. “Petting and affection are not appreciated.”Next, it was time to give husband-head instructions on how to care for his own self.”This is the pantry,” I said, putting out my arms like Vanna White on the Wheel of Fortune. “In here are a multitude of food items that can be eaten right out of the same pan they were cooked in.”Husband-head looked very excited about that concept.”So there will only be one dish?” he gushed.”Yes,” I affirmed. “And this appliance over here is called a ‘dishwasher’ and you can simply put it in there after you’re finished.”Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!Since I was only going to be gone for four days, I decided to bypass the washing machine and the dryer so it wouldn’t cost hundreds of dollars to have them fixed when I got home.”Don’t plan on sleeping in,” I warned husband-head. “The pets get up at 5:30 a.m. and they will maul you until you let them out to do their duties. You’ll have two choices: let them out or pay the consequences.”Then I pointed out where the roll of paper towels was located.With final instructions that there were to be no wild parties, I also began to get excited about my trip.”Is it THURSDAY yet?” I asked, trying not to jump up and down like Jack McFarland’s character on “Will and Grace.”Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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