I feel pretty… oh, so pretty! | PostIndependent.com

I feel pretty… oh, so pretty!

Fried Rice
by Heidi Rice

Husband-head simply stopped and stood at the doorway of our bedroom and stared at me.

“Ummm … care to tell me what you’re doing?” he asked politely.

My face was all red, and it was hard to talk.

“What does it LOOK like I’m doing?” I finally sputtered out.

“Well, it looks like you’re standing on your head against the wall,” he described. “But it also looks like all the blood has rushed to your noggin and your face is about to explode … “

I got off my head and stood up, nearly passing out.

“OK, I know you’re not into yoga, so do you want to tell me WHY you were standing on your head?” husband-head continued.

“Marianne said it would help put everything that has started to sag back where it belongs,” I explained. “I’m trying to get ready for summer.”

Embalming fluid would probably be more effective, but I wasn’t ready for that yet.

But I did take my best friend’s advice to heart. Marianne prides herself on a wealth of knowledge about natural beauty tips that largely consist of ingredients you can find right in your home.

“It’s so silly to spend money on expensive cosmetics,” she insists. “You wouldn’t believe the things I can do with an avocado.”

I love her to death, but I didn’t want to know. However, I was curious about a few of Marianne’s homemade recipes.

“First of all, you need to exfoliate,” she instructed. “I know that sounds like a dirty word, but it removes all the dead cells on your skin. Ick.”

She then proceeded to explain how natural foods could be used, including a carrot mask on your face, cucumbers on your eyes to reduce puffiness and a cornmeal exfoliant rubbed all over your body.

“Mayonnaise and beer are also both good conditioners for your hair, and honey will do wonders for your pores,” she continued.

“A little olive oil is great for around your eyes. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can even put it in your car ” the olive oil, that is. It’s like an all-around miracle in a can.”

It all sounded a little weird, but I decided to try it anyway. I put the carrot mask on my face, cucumber slices on my eyelids, olive oil on the wrinkles and mayonnaise on my hair. Husband-head came in the room and found me lying on the bed resembling a bad crudite platter.

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” I warned without opening my eyes.

“Oh, I don’t hate you,” he assured me, trying not to laugh. “But I have to admit, you kind of look like a human salad … “

He opened the fridge and I was actually afraid he was going to pour some ranch dressing on me just for fun.

When I washed it all off ” and let me just say for the record that it is no easy feat getting mayonnaise out of your hair ” I didn’t think I looked any different.

“Maybe not, but you smell garden fresh,” husband-head said, rubbing my back and attempting to console me. “If I was a rabbit, I’d nibble on you.”

I threw a cucumber slice at him and then called Marianne.

“So much for your beauty recipes,” I huffed. “I smell like a salad and there’s enough mayonnaise left in my hair to make a sandwich.”

Marianne just giggled.

“Did you try the beer?” she asked curiously.

“No,” I said in a surly voice. “I barely got the mayonnaise out. Why would I want to put beer in my hair?”

Marianne laughed again.

“The beer isn’t really for your hair, silly,” she said. “It’s to drink so you think you look better. And it sure beats standing on your head … “

Heidi Rice is a Rifle correspondent for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.

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