Imagining life if it were Christmas all the time
April E. Clark
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
Baking in the kitchen, really feeling the holiday spirit over the weekend, I wondered how life would be if Christmas were year-round.
A diet of oatmeal cookies and peanut butter fudge would not be in my best interest.
All excessive amounts of sugar aside, eating everything roasted, glazed and candied would be required in the year-round Christmas experience. Don’t forget food and drink flavored with peppermint, cinnamon or truffles. And eggnog.
Not to mention ham.
I know 12 ways my life would improve if Christmas were 24-7, 365, but I only have room for seven. So here they are:
1. Talking the talk. Think of the fun if we all spoke as if we’d just stepped out of a Charles Dickens novel. I imagine I would sound very wise and proper. And I would finally have appropriate reason to use exclamation. Alas! I will call myself Pip! Maybe my expectations are a little great on this one …
2. Making lyrics a reality. See that log on the fire over there? That, my gentle friends, is a blazing yule. Cold outside? Well that’s just Jack Frost nipping at your nose! Cousin Bob making out with his half-dressed stripper girlfriend? They’re just cuddling under the mistletoe. Life is so perfect in Christmas songs so why not live that way? I’m still not sure how the hippopotamus I want for Christmas is going to fit in my house.
3. Nonstop Singing in the street. Aka “Extreme Christmas Caroling.” Unless there’s a parade ” or some happy, drunken guy stumbling out of one of the downtown bars ” there’s not a lot of singing in the streets of Glenwood Springs. If not for the holiday season, most people would either be extremely annoyed by or call the police on groups of random people singing in unison on doorsteps. If it were Christmas year-round, joyous voices would fill the air and road rage would disappear. Or triple.
4. Donning gay apparel. December is about the only month red and green can honestly be paired together and taken seriously. Except for students at the University of the South Pole. They bleed red and green. How fabulous it would be to wear sweaters that sparkle and dresses made of velvet all year long. The holiday garb gets a little warm in July and August, but that’s why there’s muscle T-shirts featuring Santa Claus on a Harley and white denim cut-off shorts with The Original Bedazzler rhinestones. Ho! Ho! Ho!
5. Being crafty. I usually don’t have too much trouble generating craft ideas. It’s the actual going-through-with-it process that makes my projects collect dust like a “Marilyn Manson: Home for the Holidays” CD. When the holidays roll around, though, I’m a regular ol’ Martha Stewart. Without the TV show, magazine and Macy’s furniture line. I crafted a few door hangings from fresh-cut Balsam fir trimmings. I whittled miniature Santas from soap as homemade gifts. And I’m finished with my Christmas card project, I just need to send them out to friends and family. One of these things I really didn’t do, by the way. Two out of three isn’t bad. If only I had that average all year-long.
6. Baking it off. The magic of the holidays is not only abundant in thoughtful gifts and gestures, but with homemade goodies that can add an inch to a waistline faster than Santa says, “Ho.” Cookies, candy, pastries … all made with that special holiday ingredient, love. Word on the streets is there’s another special ingredient but that’s a little harder to find. Sugar works, though. And you’ll need cupfuls. Enough to make my dentist freak. Baking ” and eating ” all that sweet goodness during the holidays is as simple as whipping up a chocolate cake with an Easy-Bake Oven. We have an excuse. But we wouldn’t need an excuse if these naughty treats were fresh from the oven 365 days of the year. Oh wait, that’s called Krispy Kreme. Maybe we do need a reason.
7. Partying like it’s 1999. Prince was on to something. Why not treat the whole year like a holiday season? Or, better yet, the end of the world? The beauty of holiday parties is everyone is usually in a pretty good mood. The libations are often flowing, which makes for some entertaining stories back at the office on Monday. I honestly was at a holiday party once where a very intoxicated gentleman was wearing a tie around his head and pulling off some serious white-guy dance moves. I’ve seen that at a wedding reception and at a bar in Glenwood, so maybe we are living like it’s Christmas year-round.
Just what I like to see.
Pass the peanut butter fudge.
April E. Clark is adding devil’s food cake with peppermint frosting to her holiday baking wish list. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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