It’s time to vote (for the best and worst Halloween candy)
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
So, what kind of candy are you going to buy this year for Halloween?” I asked Husband-Head as he stood in the candy aisle, trying to decide whether the various fun-sized candy bars were Republican or Democrat.
“Ssshhh … I have to concentrate because this is very important,” he hushed me. “This is an American tradition. There’s good Halloween candy and there’s bad Halloween candy. Trust me. … We don’t want to be known as a house with bad candy.”
Yes, that would be a travesty, I thought to myself. We surely don’t want that kind of reputation.
“What constitutes bad candy?” I asked curiously.
Husband-Head apparently had a very strong allegiance to this topic ” much more so than to any political party.
“Circus peanuts,” he said adamantly. “They’re the most disgusting thing ever invented on the planet. Closely followed by candy corn.”
“You ARE a circus peanut,” I pointed out. But for those of you who might not remember, circus peanuts are those orange, squishy, peanut-shaped marshmallow things. And if you don’t know what candy corn is, then you just climbed out from under a rock and it’s no use explaining.
“Candy corn is to Halloween as fruitcake is to Christmas,” Husband-Head summed up.
“So what kind of candy is considered good?” I asked Husband-Head as he picked out various bags.
“Little fun-sized chocolate bars,” he said confidently. “And the jelly-wedge orange slices.”
“You mean, those sugar-coated things that kids put over their teeth and smile?” I asked with disgust.
Oddly enough, people are passionate about the subject of good and bad Halloween candy as is evidenced by a website called “seriouseats. com,” which came up with a top 10 list of the worst Halloween treats ever.
Included on the list were things like toothbrushes, raisins, Necco Wafers, Dum Dum Lollipops, apples, Tootsie Rolls, Laffy Taffy and hard candies.
“Why in the world would you send your kids out to get gobs of candy and then hand out toothbrushes?” I asked Husband-Head. “And after preaching to them all year not to take candy from strangers. … Talk about mixed messages!” But Halloween candy received as a child can have a traumatic influence on a person in their adult life.
According to “seriouseats.com,” plenty of people commented on the bad things they remember being given as children while trick-or-treating.
“Someone handed out Jesus pamphlets to us every year when I was a kid,” one person wrote. “Now THAT’s a sin.”
Along with circus peanuts and candy corn, other bad Halloween treats included:
– Bouillon cubes
– Baby carrots
– Chinese plastic toys, tattoos and stickers
– Sugar-free candy
– Wax teeth
– Little ketchup packets from a fast-food restaurant
“I must live in a neighborhood of lushes,” one person wrote. “My kid got bourbon balls and liquor-flavored truffles in his bag last year.”
And nowadays, the little candy cigarettes are not really politically correct, either.
“I remember some old lady on our block used to hand out cough drops,” Husband-Head recalled. “And when she ran out of those, she gave out prunes.”
“I remember when my sister and I were out trick-or-treating one year and some lady put a black kitten in each of our bags,” I informed Husband-Head. “My mom wasn’t real thrilled about that.”
After a long time of serious consideration, Husband-Head finally finished picking out his Halloween candy.
If only people put that much effort when filling out their ballots. …
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com. She recently published a book of her columns. “Skully Says Shut It! ” Life, Love, and Laughter with Husband-Head.”
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