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Let them eat … fat!

Fried Rice
Heidi Rice
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“Turn on the television,” my sister said to me over the phone from South Carolina. “You have to see this ” it’s disgusting.”

My sister and I often sit on the phone together and watch TV even though we live across the country ” she in South Carolina and me in Colorado ” so there is about a 20 second delay between the time when she receives the picture on her television and when I get it.

But because we both love to cook, we like to watch shows such as those on the Food Network and share our thoughts about whether it’s a recipe we would want to make.



Of course, during the advertisements in between the segments, we also have to critique the chef about crucial facts such as whether or not their apron appropriately matches their lipstick ” for both the men and the women ” and whether or not the napkins appropriately match the tablecloth where the food is displayed.

“Way too much cleavage,” I reported to my sister while we watched one chef on a show. “If you’re going to chop garlic that vigorously, you either shouldn’t be wearing such a low-cut shirt or you should be wearing a bra.”



Still, you had to admit the lady made a mean manicotti …

On the next show following, my sister was more interested in the guy than the food.

“Is he hot or what?” she gushed. “I wouldn’t kick his apron out of the bed.”

But because husband-head and I are now on a restricted low-fat, low-sodium diet, I’m interested in learning new recipes since I need to learn to cook in a new way.

On this particular weekend, my sister called and insisted that I watch a program by a popular TV chef.

“You’ve got to see this,” she insisted. “You’re gonna puke.”

That wasn’t exactly the result I was seeking in changing to our new diet, but it was hard to ignore.

It was a Southern woman and the episode was called “Wake Up Call.”

Whether the person woke up the next day after eating this particular meal was still yet to be seen.

It started out with a hot mocha float with cocoa and coffee, a couple scoops of chocolate ice cream and topped with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.

The meal itself consisted of banana french toast that included eggs, heavy cream, butter and croissants as well as a hashbrown casserole with butter, sausage, whole milk, eggs and cheese.

“Wow!” my sister said as we sat and watched our respective TVs in horror. “No wonder the cost of health care is going up in this country!”

We watched in horror as the woman topped the potatoes in the casserole with a mixture of whole eggs, butter, a pound of pork sausage and layered the whole thing with cheese.

“I think a bullet to the head would be a lot faster,” my sister whispered into the phone. “This is like watching food porn, isn’t it?”

This particular Southern chef routinely uses real butter, heavy cream, whipped cream, salt and sour cream in the majority of her recipes. And that doesn’t include all the fried stuff.

Not that her cooking isn’t good, mind you, but the majority of the country’s population in the baby boomer age are watching their diets.

“Is that really how Southern people eat?” I asked my sister, having never lived in the south. “What’s the average life expectancy down there ” 32?”

“I don’t think so,” my sister responded. “We like shrimp and peaches as well.”

“Maybe that’s why people there talk funny,” I speculated. “They eat so much fried food and fat that their vocal cords can’t handle it.”

At first I thought the silence on the other end of the phone was because we’d been cut off.

“At least we don’t eat stuff that we hit with our car on the road,” she said defensively.

“We don’t eat anything called ‘grits’ which sounds similar to ‘gravel’,” I challenged.

“And we don’t eat the testicles of bulls that have absolutely nothing to do with oysters,” my sister countered.

OK, so to-each-their-own food abomination.

Still, my sister and I will continue to look for recipes and shows on TV that feature healthy cuisine

But when no one is looking, I’m going out for a cheesesteak sub.

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.


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