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Married . WithOUT Children

Heidi Rice

“You have 28 new Classmate connections!” the e-mail message on my computer announced.

Like I’d won something .

The message was from Classmates.com – an Internet service which puts you back in touch with high school buddies you didn’t like even when you WERE in high school.

But for some reason, when people start pushing middle age, they have this nagging curiosity to reconnect with the folks from their past. So far, I’ve been contacted by three ex-boyfriends, 14 former girlfriends and 8 people I don’t even know.

Look up your high school sweetheart! See what the prom queen is doing! Who’s in prison? Which cheerleader got pregnant out of wedlock? Who’s still living at home? Find out all this and more at Classmates!

This particular e-mail was sent to inform me that the site was now offering a new service called the “Compare Yourself” feature. The idea is to fill out a questionnaire and then compare yourself with your former peers, ostensibly to see who is the biggest liar. .

In order to compare and contrast your accomplishments with those of your former classmates, you must first establish your own “profile.”

1. What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed?:

a) High school dropout; b)Harvard; c)Vocational/technical/professional/prison school; d) GED; d) Still in high school/college.

2. How would you describe your political views?:

a) Have none; b) Rush Limbaugh; c) middle of the road; d) Howard Stern; e) Plead the Fifth Amendment.

3. Describe your work life:

a) Unemployed; b) About to be fired; c) Having an affair with the boss; d) I owe, I owe, it’s off to work I go!

4. What kind of pet do you have? Check all that apply:

a) Chia; b) Rock; c) Rabid; d) Camel.

5. What country do you live in today?

a) United States; b) Canada (still AWOL); c) Third-World.

6. What is your current relationship status?:

a) Married; b) Married and cheating; c) Single; d) Single and on Prozac.

7. Do you have children?:

a) Not that I know of; b) Not that I acknowledge; c) For sale; d) Can’t talk about it – in the midst of a lawsuit with the birth control manufacturer.

8. What kind of car do you drive?:

a) BMW; b) None – it’s been repossessed; c) Stolen; d) The same Impala I drove in high school.

9. How do you feel about your life right now?:

a) Suicidal; b) Content; c) Great – I’m on Prozac!

10. What do you do with your free time?:

a) Play with my children; b) Sell/take drugs; c) Write checks to my ex-wife/husband.

11. Why are you here at Classmates?:

a) To rekindle old friendships; b) To see who’s gotten really fat; c) I’m in Classmates? I thought this was a schoolgirl porn site. .

Then there is a spot where you can post your “Then Photo” and “Now Photo.” This, of course, can be classified as a terrorist act and should be investigated by federal authorities. .

Nevertheless, people remain curious to reconnect with their old high school friends and classmates. In fact, husband-head is getting ready to attend his 20th high school reunion in Wisconsin this summer.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come along?” he asked, being gracious.

“No thanks, I don’t even want to go to my OWN high school reunions,” I pointed out. “Why would I want to attend yours and listen to a bunch of boring old stories with your buddies that I’ve already heard a hundred times?”

Then I logged back onto to the Classmates.com site.

“I wonder which cheerleader DID get pregnant out of wedlock? . “

New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.


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