Married . WithOUT Children | PostIndependent.com
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Married . WithOUT Children

Heidi Rice

“I do believe that now I’ve seen it all,” husband-head said, shaking his head as we sat watching television the other night.He was referring to the fact that it seems Dr. Doolittle and John Edwards have joined together to manifest themselves in the person of . the “PET PSYCHIC” – a new TV program on the Animal Planet channel.The host of the show is a woman from England named Sonya Fitzgerald who claims she can “talk” to the animals – both living and dead. “She needs to talk to a padded cell,” husband-head observed. “She’s coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. .”Husband-head was amused when I became fascinated with John Edwards’ show, “Crossing Over,” in which he allegedly communicates with dead people to bring messages from the “other side.”But having conversations with four-legged creatures was a little more than he could handle. .In a studio setting where people bring their precious pets to be “read,” Fitzgerald flits from one seat to the other, petting and caressing the different breeds and telling their owners in her thick English accent what their animals are “saying.””The bunnies are sad,” she informs one woman, who has three large rabbits sitting in the chair next to her. “They quite miss the other bunny.”Given their reputations, it isn’t hard to assume that there might indeed have been other bunnies. .Fitzgerald talks to Ernie the incessantly barking dog; William the loner sheep who won’t hang with the flock; Oogie the monkey who has a penchant for pelting men with her food; Lucky, the dog who refuses to go for a walk; Cookie, the cat who uses her owner’s bed as a litter box; and a talkative Myna bird who is bad-mouthing another family pet.”A monkey that will huck FOOD at your husband?” I said, enjoying the idea. “How COOL!”Fitzgerald is filmed on location when performing her services on the larger animals, such as Homer the pig, Cesar the camel and Tony the llama, but cats, dogs, birds and bunnies are brought right there in the studio – all of whom sit quietly in their seats during the program.”No WAY!” husband-head said in disbelief. “Look at them! They must be sedated! Our dog would NEVER sit there with all kinds of other animals in the same room! He’d be running around lifting his leg on the chairs, barking at the dogs, chasing the cats and trying to eat the bunnies. .”I had to agree with him there.”I wonder what our pets would say, if they could talk?” I mused out loud.”The dog would sass back,” husband-head said knowingly. “The cats would both swear like a truck driver. And they all got it from you. .”But not only are people attempting to communicate with their pets, there are even pet HOROSCOPES in some newspapers now.”Hey! I have an idea,” I said excitedly. “How about doggy FORTUNE COOKIES? You could stuff the little fortunes right inside their treats! It could be my new job! I’ll stand outside the studio of the Pet Psychic and sell them! I’ll be rich!”I cut up a bunch of strips of paper and started writing.-“You will have a large accident on the carpet and try to blame it on the cat. .”-“Beware of the word `neuter'”-“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s bones.”-“He who performs stupid tricks, receives many rewards.”-“Your owner does NOT enjoy that on his leg. .”-“You will get many long walks if you don’t yank the chain.”-“If it falls on the floor – it’s yours.”-“You will get much amusement by leaving the room after passing wind and watching the humans blame it on each other. .”Husband-head turned off the Pet Psychic before it was even over.”There are three things in this world that just shouldn’t talk,” he said, getting up from the couch. “Dead people, animals and . wives.”New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.


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