Married . WithOUT Children
Some people love their grandfathers way too much.
This was scientifically proven by the good people of Nederland, Colo., who recently held a celebration in honor of a frozen, dead grandfather who has been kept on ice since his death in 1989 by his grandson in a backyard shed of this little town north of Denver.
Apparently the grandson, a Norwegian dude named Trygve Bauge, who suffered from severe psychological dysfunction because his parents only put one vowel in his name, decided to freeze his beloved grandfather, Bredo Morstoel, in hopes that through advanced scientific technology, Grandpa could someday be revived or cloned.
However, in 1994, the Immunization and Naturalization Service (INS), deported Bauge back to Norway to go get more vowels for his name so that it could be pronounced in this country.
Bauge left, but has since paid someone to keep Granpa Bredo packed in 1,500 pounds of dry ice in the shed.
“Let’s have a festival!” a Nederland resident, who had obviously been drinking something way stronger than Gatorade, suggested. “Let’s hold `Frozen Dead Guy Days.'”
The other Nederland residents, many of whom were suffering from a phenomena called “Brain Freeze,” which occurs when one lives too long in a cold climate, agreed.
And so, “Frozen Dead Guy Days” was born.
“He is a champion for the rights of the temporary dead,” a woman named Kathy Beeck was quoted as saying.
It must be noted here that only in Nederland would the words “temporary” and “dead” be used in the same sentence. .
Even high-ranking elected officials got in on the action. Rep. Tom Plant, D-Mars, attempted to get a resolution passed in the state legislature to have March 9 declared “Frozen Dead Guy Day” in Colorado.
According to reports, the resolution claimed that Grandpa Bredo should be honored for being a “model citizen, never giving anyone the cold shoulder” as well as having an “icy resolve and a stiff upper lip.”
However, just as in the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, the Republicans failed to see the humor in it all and the resolution was effectively pronounced “dead.”
What do you expect from a town whose mayor, Jim Miller, has a campaign manager who is a talking parrot named “Jose”?
Nevertheless, hundreds of people turned out for “Frozen Dead Guy Days” and celebrated with coffin races, a Grim Reaper parade and $25 tours to see a shed containing a frozen dead guy. .
But let’s not just pick on Nederland here.
Take, for example, the “World Wife Carrying Championships” held in Finland. About 7,000 people turn out each year for this fun festival in which a man has to carry his wife through an obstacle course, with the winner getting his wife’s weight in beer. This is probably the only recorded instance in which a man WANTS his wife to weigh 250 pounds. .
This same country is also host to the “World Air Guitar Championships,” which we imagine is attended by thousands of teenaged boys.
“The only rule is that the contestant may not have an actual guitar to play, but the guitar must specifically be an invisible air guitar.”
But even warm weather climates have their share of funky festivals.
How about the “La Tomatina” celebration in Spain, in which residents gather every August to huck thousands of pounds of tomatoes at each other . or the “Humungous Fungus” festival in Michigan, which features an 11-ton, 1,500-year-old mushroom. .
Vegetables are fun! Vegetables make good themes for festivals!
However, if you’re not into vegetables or dead bodies, you might try the “Nude Olympics” held the past three years near Flagstaff, Ariz., where participants claim, “What better nude bodies to look at than ATHLETIC nude bodies?”
Personally, I think I’ll stick to the Fourth of July. .
Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent.
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