Married . WithOUT Children
“That’s it, I can’t take anymore – I think I’m going to throw up,” husband-head announced abruptly, as he got up from the couch and left the TV program we were watching.
“How can you leave NOW?” I insisted, dabbing at my eyes. “He’s saved her from the car wreck after she swerved to avoid the dog and they’re both supposed to marry other people, when actually they’re in love with each other and somehow they need to find each other again and .”
“Give me a BREAK,” husband-head interrupted in disgust and went into the office to play his computer game.
Husband-head HATES the “Lifetime . Television for Women” channel.
“It’s nothing but men-bashing shows and really sappy love stories,” he said. “And I REFUSE to watch anything with David Hasselhoff in it.”
“You watched `Baywatch,'” I pointed out.
“Yeah, but that had Pamela Anderson bouncing down the beach,” he said, justifying it.
At one point in this particular program, Hasselhoff and his love interest finally meet up again and stare star-struck into each other’s eyes.
“You never looked at ME like that!” I yelled into the next room.
“Nobody looks at ANYBODY like that!” husband-head yelled back.
During the commercial, I went into the office to inform him of the latest developments and to point out that the guys on the Lifetime channel were always really romantic and played active roles in planning the wedding.
“One guy even addressed all the wedding invitations and booked the church himself because he was so into it,” I told him. “YOU never helped out with our wedding invitations.”
“We had INVITATIONS?” husband-head asked. “On the other hand, I guess we must have – all my relatives did show up to drink the free booze. .”
He then laughed, remembering how he and some of his out-of-town buddies had trashed the hotel a couple of nights before the wedding and got thrown out, so when the other long-distance guests arrived, they had no place to stay. .
This is also the same man who, when the jeweler asked us what we wanted engraved on the inside of our wedding rings, suggested they say “Go Packers.” .
“I’ll bet the guys on THIS channel don’t do the `Chicken Dance’ at the wedding with their tuxedo shirts unbuttoned to their navels,” I continued to huff.
“Hey, I showed UP for the thing, didn’t I?” he said. “Now stop watching that stupid channel – it makes you weird.”
Fat chance. I had to see how the story turned out.
Normally on these programs – which are all based on true stories, by the way – the woman ends up murdering the ex-husband because he raped her teenaged daughter by a previous marriage and they all end up in court where justice prevails after a surprise witness steps forward with incriminating evidence that the judge in the case is not wearing anything under his robe, er . something like that. .
After the end of the show, I went back into the office to inform husband-head of the outcome.
“Well, Hasselhoff ended up adopting the dog that caused the car wreck he saved her from in the first place and calls off his wedding and he and the dog sit on her front porch while she’s at the church about to get married to the other guy and right before they’re supposed to say their vows, she calls off her wedding and goes home and she and Hasselhoff get together and they all live happily ever after. .”
Husband-head stared at me . aghast.
“You just spent two hours WATCHING that crap?” he said in disbelief.
“You’re just not romantic,” I said, storming out of the room.
Lifetime . Television That Starts Arguments. .
New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.
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