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Married . WithOUT Children

“Everybody was KUNG FOOD FIGHTING! . Hyaaaggghhh!” husband-head sang loudly while kicking a leg high in the air. “Those kids were FAST as lightning . Hyaaagghhh!”

I stopped and paused a moment to watch him as I passed through the living room early one weekend morning.

“I believe the song is Kung FU fighting,” I corrected him.



“Nope,” he shook his head. “Not with the `Fighting Foodons’ – my new favorite Saturday morning cartoon. .”

He kicked his leg up again and did a little twirl in the air.



“The fighting WHAT?” I asked, not sure I’d heard him right.

“Foodons,” he repeated. “It’s a cartoon about food that does battle with each other. .”

I’d heard of PEOPLE having food fights, but FOOD that does battle with each other?

“In the land of the Fighting Foodons, regular recipes turn into mealtime monsters when the art of culinary combat is concocted,” the Fox TV description reads. “It’s all friendly competition, that is, until evil becomes the order of the day.”

The “foodons” include such colorful characters as “Sir Dumpling,” “Fried Ricer,” “Burnt Meatballs,” “Slice,” “Noodle-ator,” “Sergeant Sidedish,” “Beefsteak” and the “Hamburger Brigade.”

I watched in fascinated horror as the pan-wielding “Fried Ricer” prepared to go to blows with “Beefsteak.”

“I think the executives at Fox need to implement a more frequent random drug-testing policy for their writers,” I observed.

Husband-head was glued to the TV set. .

“And what kind of lesson does that teach little kids?” I pointed out. “That food is evil? That eating is a violent activity?”

Husband-head looked at me as if amazed that I would even try to analyze the show. .

“My favorite characters are `Cinnamonkey’ and `Coleslawter,'” he announced.

But apparently, shows featuring food characters are pretty popular these days, as I discovered later when talking to Marianne.

“You ever heard of a cartoon called the `Fighting Foodons’?” I asked her on the phone.

“Sure!” she said without hesitation. “The one with the mean French fries and everyone fighting to be the master chef? My kids love it.”

It didn’t seem to bother her at all.

“And you don’t mind them watching fighting food cartoons?” I asked, puzzled.

“Honey, if it keeps them quiet at 8:30 on a Saturday morning when I’m trying to sleep, they can watch `Psycho’ for all I care,” she admitted. “But not all the food shows are violent – have you seen `VeggieTales’?”

I hadn’t, but she explained that it was a Christian video series for kids that features a bunch of talking vegetables and is hosted by “Bob the Tomato” and “Larry the Cucumber.” Each episode teaches a Bible lesson, such as “Dave and the Giant Pickle” – a takeoff on the Biblical story of David and Goliath.

“And the Oscar goes to . `Bob the TOMATO’!” I thought to myself, thinking everyone around me was losing their minds.

I asked husband-head if he’d ever heard of “VeggieTales.”

“Yeah, I watched one episode,” he said. “All the vegetables were mad at the peas, and then they all had to make up and learn to get along together. .”

Yes, we certainly can’t have the carrots being perturbed at the peas. . That simply wouldn’t do at all. .

Whatever happened to normal cartoons like “Captain Kangaroo,” the “Jetsons” and “Scooby Doo”?

Following his little martial arts demonstration, husband-head sat back down in front of the TV with his breakfast.

“I’m think I’m going to make the bacon attack the English muffin,” he said, and then continued on with his song as he mashed the meat and the bread together.

“In fact it was a little bit fright’ning . but they fought with expert timing!”

New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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