Married . WithOUT Children
“I don’t think you can do it, but that’s OK, honey,” I assured husband-head as I gently patted his arm. “You can try again, but last time you couldn’t keep it up – at least not for very long.”
“I can TOO, if I put my mind to it,” husband-head retorted indignantly. “Maybe last time, subconsciously, I didn’t really WANT to do it. .”
We were discussing our resolutions for the new year and husband-head had informed me that, once again, he was going to try giving up Mountain Dew soda.
“And what is YOUR new year resolution?” he challenged, his eyes narrowing. “To finally clean and organize your office . which you still haven’t done since resolving to do it LAST year. .”
“Mine is to stop procrastinating,” I announced with a huff. “And I’m going to start tomorrow. .”
Husband-head rolled his eyes.
Like most people, we were embarking on the annual tradition of setting lofty goals to improve and better ourselves so that within a matter of weeks we could proudly look in the mirror and feel like . total failures.
Although they come in a variety of forms, some of the most common resolutions include quitting smoking, losing weight and getting healthier through diet and exercise.
And while everyone has good intentions, unfortunately, for most of us these resolutions are hard to keep.
“HEY . I have an idea!” I said excitedly. “I think I know a way that could practically ENSURE that a person accomplishes their goals for the year!”
“If you do then you’d better patent the thought and sell it for big bucks,” husband-head advised.
My idea was to use reverse psychology on ourselves.
“Instead of quitting smoking, resolve to smoke MORE!” I said, pretty pleased with my innovative plan. “Aim to gain MORE weight and exercise LESS! Promise yourself to go DEEPER into debt!”
Husband-head looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. .
“Yes, try to be as unhealthy as you can and die young and poor!” he agreed. “Strive to drink MORE and spend a few months in the Betty Ford clinic!”
Then he nodded toward me and added, “Resolve to get yourself committed into the state insane asylum!”
I ignored his sarcasm.
“But don’t you SEE?” I pointed out. “Then you would feel better about yourself for accomplishing your resolutions instead of like a complete loser . and . if you DON’T succeed, you’re still ahead of the game! It’s a win-win situation!”
Husband-head took my glass and sniffed it to see what I was drinking. .
“Did your mother ever drop you on your head or shake you when you were a baby?” he asked, at the same time peering into my pupils for any telltale signs of illegal drug use.
“You’re just jealous because I came up with such a good idea,” I said smugly, cracking open a Mountain Dew and taking a big slurp just to taunt him. “YAHOO! Mountain DEW!”
Husband-head glared at me.
“I think I’m going to go shuffle a bunch of papers around in your office so you don’t know where anything is,” he threatened. “Although I don’t know how you would in that mess, anyway. .”
I could see the whole resolution thing was going to get ugly, which gave me another idea.
“Okay then, how about instead of feeling like boneheads for not keeping our resolutions, we resolve this year not to make any resolutions at all!” I suggested.
Husband-head grabbed the soda out of my hand, took a big swig and began belting out his version of an old Beatles’ song. .
“You say you have a RESOLU-SHUUUNNN! Well-ell, you know . we all fail now and then. . You’ll end up in an INSTITU-SHUUNNN! Well-ell, you know . if you attempt it once again!”
New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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This will be my 500th column — my final column in the Glenwood Springs Post Independent.